A few weeks ago I attended a “Safe Guarding” course. I was glad to get away from my home town on an all expenses paid day trip to London (Yes, I’m so easily pleased!). But do you know the cost of a day Travel card from my Local Government area (insert-straight-face smiley) to London is £30? I was shell-shocked when I was told by the station assistant.
I ‘boarded’ (please why do we use such dated words??) the train and as to be expected during early “mor-mor” peak period it was jam packed, I ended up sandwiched between a fellow passenger’s smelly arm pit and another guy with a large stomach. All plans to chill out, read a book and/or listen to music on my phone on this train ride went out the window, it now became a matter of survival of the fittest to reach Train terminal King’s Cross. Everyone ‘facing front’ avoiding eye contact as is the norm here!
To cut a whole train journey short, I eventually arrive at venue, hang my jacket and move to the front of the room. Tea and coffee are on offer, but both of these are literally not my ‘cup of tea’ (why is there never Milo or Ovaltine?) so I just sip on my water bottle.
We are divided into groups of 6, at table where I sit I acknowledge one “aunty” from my homeland she’s seated besides me, I know this as I’ve spotted her indigenous name on her name badge!
I pop chewing gum into my mouth & prepare for a few boring hours, reminding myself not to get carried away, chew discreetly and to avoid popping & 'kpa'ing with my ‘mout’ as the day progresses.
The presenters of this course are A Fire & Rescue service from a “Leafy Green County" in England, in my head I’m wondering what have “Pano Pano” (Fire brigade) got to do with Safeguarding??
Any child can be hurt, put at risk of harm or abused, regardless of age, ethnicity, gender or religion. So for the sake of clarity “Safeguarding” is a term used to denote measures put in place to protect the health, well being & human rights of individuals, which allow people especially children and young people to live free from abuse, harm & neglect.
Safeguarding covers children from "the womb till 17 years and 364 days old"
As the presenters introduce the course, they ask us to brace ourselves as it was going to get emotional! They tell us some of us may not be able to bare what we are to hear and may feel the need to take a short break but that was permitted and understandable.
It transpires that The Fire service usually tend to be the one of the first to witnesses cases of child abuse due to the very nature of their work. For instance where there is a domestic house fire and they’re called to the incident, this would usually grant them impromptu, unannounced access to a home and as a result of this they often stumble across what I can only refer to as “all sorts”
I’m not really gonna go into the nitty gritty of everything this course covered but I will scratch surface slightly.
Safeguarding is made up of tiny pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, it involves listening to the voice of the child and we ALL have a responsibility to protect and stop child abuse, in fact omitting to prevent harm to a child is actually child abuse in itself!
Contrary to the age old myth that a child is most likely to be abused by the ‘perv’ in the park, that is not the case. A child has more chance of being abused by someone known to the family. At this point in time the room is so quiet you would hear a pin drop, I stop chewing the gum and stick discreetly under the table, and that's when “aunty” besides me leans over and whispers loudly that she thanks God that such does not happen in our own country!! I just ignore her and sit straight-faced as the presenter continues.
Understanding of child abuse depends on each persons understanding of their own life experiences. Likewise the definition of child abuse varies across culture, religion and geography.
We cover some Acts that protect children such as Female Genital Mutilation Act 2003, Forced Marriages Act 2007, Working Together Act 2015.
They move on to the case studies of abuse, of course ‘Up there’ we have 10 year old Nigerian boy Damilola Taylor stabbed to death where the abuse stemmed from a group of bullies feeling cultural /Racial superiority.
7 year old Victoria Climbé the Ivorian girl tortured and killed by her twisted aunt & aunt’s boyfriend for their belief in witchcraft and British, 17 month old Baby P attacked and murdered by his mother and mum’s boyfriend, apparently that innocent picture we all remember of him by, where he has chocolate smeared around his mouth was staged by his mum, she used the chocolate to cover up the marks of abuse around his mouth!! Imagine all those missed opportunities by people to safeguard these kids.
They fleetingly touch on the culture of “Mish Mash” families. ie couples with previous relationship and children between them coming together & then undetected sibling-on-sibling abuse often igniting within the family.
The ‘aunty’ besides me mutters again to me “Na wa for these oyinbo people and all the rubbish they get up to with kids’ I smile and look away.
The list is long o, we cover the types of abuse like Emotional abuse which includes inappropriate expectations of parents imposed on children this is particularly common in high achieving academic families. Ridicule, rejection, humiliation and high criticism also included. (Anyone ever read the book “A child called It”?)
During a short break the ‘aunty’ besides me stirs again “What do they mean by high achieving academic families, pushing their kids too much? God will not give us a child that is not smart, we have to push now" by now I’m somewhat irritated with her!
After lunch we touch on "Neglect" as a form of abuse, this includes under-nourishment as well as overfeeding and inappropriate clothing of children. Aunty is 'in my face' again whispering “you know all these people they feed their children on sandwiches, Me, I feed my kids rice or eba most mornings so that can ‘hold’ their tummy for the whole day and help with their concentration” I raise my eyebrows. I'm feeling a bit embarrassed now as during lunch when fellow delegates were bringing out salads and small triangle sandwiches, I pull out 4 puff-puff, one Cornish pasty (otherwise known as meat pie) and can of malt from my bag while 'aunts' digs out a bag of chinchin and starts munching on them noisily. I notice 'the looks' but ignore them!
We move on to the no-no topic of sexual abuse, yes exploitation, trafficking, physical, encouraging children to watch porn and feral children. By now aunty besides me has the corners of her mouth turned down and she is clapping her hands you know the way we do (not like applauding, but rather disapprovingly). She lets out a sigh ‘Ah this country sha’.
We touch on the area of 'smacking' it is not illegal to smack but only as we see fit "within reason'. The question is though, by the time you are dragged to court and have your face plastered all over your local papers how would one define your "within reason" to the jury, judge and press?? Is it the 'konking' of the head, pulling of the ears, throwing of the 'slipper' or slap across the face?
It was acknowledged that affection is important for development of a child but rather than adults hugging a child while standing and having that child entangled around their legs or pressed up against the groin area due to difference in heights, they should drop down to their knees or bend down, eye level with the child before embracing!
Course draws to an end, I get chatting with this ‘aunty’ I even tell her about Risi By Name blog. She goes into the usual spill, Oh she doesn't do all this social media, she doesn't have time, she doesnt want trouble, blah di blah, that she will not know how to post comment but she says she will have a peep and read.
“Aunty I really do hope you are reading now”
Contrary to what you feel 'Ma', child abuse in our country and in our local community is rife!
It is the biggest fallacy ever to delude yourself that such does not happen among ‘our people’.
Remember a child is more likely to be abused by someone they know!
Please shine your eyes well and keep them open. All those random uncles’ that ask children/ young person to come and greet them by bouncing them up and down on their knee or by hugging and squeezing them real up close and personal are best avoided. A simple curtsy of the knee accompanied with a ‘good afternoon uncle’ should suffice, thank you!
A friend of mine says she has taught her teenage daughters to turn side ways when any unauthorised random uncle attempts to grab/hug them full frontal! The rules are that you kneel down and 'greet' people and that she does not want any person "tapping current" from her daughter's chest and starts recounting story of one uncle back in the day that would kiss and hug her as a child and slyly slip his tongue in her mouth. All under the watchful eye of her parents, who had not a clue this is what he had done!! She was too scared to tell them as he was a well respected man.
Likewise all that unnecessary communal raising of all those cousins male and female on the grounds that they are related and are "one big happy family" is a big foul. "Oya let's bath together or sleep in same bed" after a certain age, something's just 'ain't' right!
Yes, I’m aware that it is a very grey area, but it is still ‘grey’ it's not a clear cut black or white, better to be safe than to be sorry!
Furthermore when children/ young adults are of a certain age, hormones do tend to rage! Curiosity did kill the cat, remember? So cousin, no cousin, relation, no relation. Those that have ears please hear! No child should be used to do 'trial and error'.
Also another ‘piss’ of advice, feeding young children eba first thing before school as breakfast? Really? Aunty contrary to what you feel about "God forbid that you have a dullard for a child", how would you expect a child to concentrate and not feel drowsy after such a meal? Likewise overfeeding as well as undernourishment is a form of neglect!
As for your disagreement about pushy parents and unrealistic expectations, it really is not the path to be taken. Every child has potential to flow anyway they wish with the right kind of guidance. Not every child is cut out to be a Dokita, Loya, Akantant or H’engineer!
Ever wonder why children don’t ‘tell’? Apparently it’s because they have often been groomed, brainwashed into thinking the abuse is normal or it could be fear!
Meanwhile adults also see things yet keep quiet, why? In most cases because they don’t want to get involved or don't want to believe that ‘person’ be they uncle, aunty, brother, sister, mother, father, pastor, Iman, teacher, coach, child carer, counsellor they know would behave or are ‘that’ way!
Please note that such secrecy and silence feeds the abuse and its continues, likewise the abuser will eventually move on to other children that should have the right to be protected.
Next time you hear the old recycled myth about 'us' not being like 'them' please have a rethink.
On that note guys I rest my case.
Thank God It’s Friday, Have a fab Bank Holiday weekend (that means it’s likely to rain!)
Business as usual next week!
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards ~ Robert A. Heinlein
26 comments:
RBN,
I am chuffed that you have enabled comments on this blog.
This is a very Topical issue and I know we all like to be Ostriches (bury our head inside san san) when it comes to his issue.
Our children are being compromised and exploited daily because of this "Ostrich sydrome" in parents.
I am a "bible bashing" christian and I am concerned in particular of the risks our children are exposed to in our Churches.
You would think that after the furore, Khafuffle (katakata) of the Catholic Church in Ireland, we would be wiser.
Shame on us that history is repeating itself!!!
RBN, thank you for this topic.
As ngbati-ngbati people say
"Oro lo de ile yi"
I love my Mother dearly, she did her very best for her family.
BUT she was careless with the safe-guarding issue.
When I was growing up, there were a few badly behaved "MEN" who were family friends and known by all to like young girls.
My Mum has 4 daughters and about 4nieces all living in the same house. EIGHT young women. My Mum NEVER warned us away from this people, just left us to sink or swim.
When I ask her now her take is this: she knew her girls were well brought up.
The biggest rubbish I ever heard. What has being well brought up got to do with someone grooming you and forcing you to do things you don't even understand!!
I think maybe my Mother was just too hen-pecked, naive or just plain hypocritical. After all our parents didn't have Sex, we were all found on the doorstep in the morning!
If you are a parent out there thinking like my mother, please grow a pair.
Another good topic for discussion. Hopefully we will all be sincere with our comments in relation to this very sensitive but interesting topic. Our parents seem to shy away from safeguarding. The assumption is we are well brought up, we know hat to do, what to say at the appropriate time. They have done a perfect job in bringing us up, every one around us are the same. They very ones who are close to us, who are meant to look after us and protect us are the ones who harm and abuse us. Our parents were in denial then and still in denial. The 'Sisi' who sat next to you is either naive or in denial. She feels that abuse happens in 'Oyinbo world or Oyinbo land'.
I know of relations and friends who were abused when they were young and are so afraid to discuss with their parents or other family members. This has caused them to be emotionally damaged in their adult life. It is a pity that in this day and age an adult from our part of the world feels that this nonsense happens in this land and not in Africa orin Nigeria in particular. What a shame. Ignorance.
Just because it was swept under the carpet then and now or not spoken about, or not dealt with, does not mean it is still not happening. Thank God that 'Sisi' had the opportunity come to this country and oportuned to attend such a training. I also hope she keeps an eye on her children and ensure that they are not abused by any of those random uncles and cousins and neighbours. Abuse is very rampant in Nigeria and elsewhere, the earlier we start talking and dealing with it, the safer our children will be and they will be able to open up to parents and other adults so that this disease can be eradicated sooner rather than later.
No uncle or male cousin or neighbour will come to my home and hug and get that close to my child. I have had such experience with close cousin and I will not let it happen again to my child or to any child in my care period. I do not trust these random male relations. They feel it is acceptable and they have gotten away with it for so long. It is time we put a stop to it and prevent his abuse.
Parents need to do more to prevent their children from abuse. It is perpetrated regularly by people we trust, our friend and close relations.
Yes our children are our future. If they are not protected, they will be damaged and not be in a position to help themselves or others in future.
Please wake up and don't turn a blind eye to this horrible disease that is ravaging our children and society.
SOS, SOC (save our children). Now not later. I feel so strongly about this subject and I take it personally and urge our parents to please be on the look out and take care of our children.
Taking care of our children may sound obvious but if we are still turning a blind eye to abuse, we are seriously failing our children and we are contributing to damaging them.
Ma la oju e sile, ki talubo ko wo. (RBN) will translate.
Thanks for reading and taking note of my comments and acting on them.
Passionate me.
Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back.
Anonymous: cryptic comment. Please explain
Yes Anonymous @ 11:05, satisfaction at WHOSE expense??????
We ask you.
Safeguarding is a term which is broader than 'child protection'.
Interestingly , if I reflect on the way I was brought up by my parents; especially with my mother's IRON HAND this could be perceived as abuse but this would be contrary to my mother's apprehension. In her world, she was training and bringing me up the way she deemed fair and appropriate . Some of my people would probably relate. Lol.
Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and as a community, society, culture etc we are required for intense and purposes to work together in the welfare of our future . After all the 'CHILDREN' are our future.
Rightly stated OLA, the way abuse, neglect, punishment etc is viewed in a particular culture is variable. Nevertheless, we need to ensure our children grow up in a safe environment , consistent with effective care. We have to protect them from maltreatment of any sort.
Hence, no penurious random uncles sending them on silly errands.. Lol. On a serious note we sure need to protect our children.
Yemi.
Anonymous Yemi,
I think comparing child exploitation and sexual abuse to "iron hand" is being fasicious.
Please Don't trivialize a very serious issue.
Serious matter here O.
When I was in secondary school in our Great country Nigeria, I had a good friend (name withheld obviously)
When I went to her house after school, she would insist I go and say farewell to her GRANDFATHER who she was living with.
When you went to say goodbye, the old, wrinkly, smelly man would grab you in a bear hug and try to get his tongue down your throat while squeezing the life out of you.
Now as an adult, I wonder if he was abusing her and she tried to get herself a break by offering her friends. I have never had the courage to ask her about it.
Mum I'm so glad that you've mentioned emotional abuse also. I'm all for encouragement but parents, aunts, uncles etc. tend to forget that the amount of pressure that is put on us (mainly regarding school) becomes increasingly tougher to deal with and usually gets to the stage where we can't ever talk about it. Sometimes, at a party or gathering when an elder inevitably asks 'how are your studies?' we can't admit to feeling under pressure for fear of being referred to as the child who is 'not concentrating' or 'wayward' when that is not the case at all.
A very good topic,the issue of child abuse is a very controversial matter.
Most people turn a blind eye, maybe ' the word blind eye ' is not the right phrase. However, how does one react or respond to the loving brother or brother in law or grandfather or ones own father having a go at the little girl or boy as the case maybe nowadays.
It's always easier to accuse the driver or house boy if one has one of those staff in ones employ or any other random male. How does one accuse ones own father or husband of molesting ones child or ones little sister. I will tell you it's hard. There are a number of issues involved- do you doubt your child if she says- mum i don't really like going to grand ads, can you leave me at home I don't really want to go. In the case of your little sister, who side do you take your husbands or your sisters. Then there is the shame inlvolved- it's not really a matter that yolu can table out at a family meeting. And then one has to consider the welfare and sanity of the person actually I loved.
I guess that's why it's swept under the carpet most of the time, let sleeping dogs .......we can debate from dusk to dawn, really and truly it's the unfortunate parson I pity
RBN,
This na serious stuff not to be taken lightly. Unfortunately we have so May myths in Nigeria which causes problems in the long wrong. The ting be say, for here dem they learn from lessons so as to make sure d ting no happen again. For 9ja, we go gets de deny am. I sure say dat Aunty prevent una from concentrating. Una for tell am say no side commentary.
Funlola's comment explores another valid and important angle.
Funlo: Ómò ókò ni é ( the daughter of the husband also known as the true daughter of her fader)
I totally agree, we pressure our children too much. As a mother who is learning everyday to be a better mother, I put my hand up to this.
In Nigeria academia was seen as the only way to prevent poverty, hence the pressure. Now we know better, let's stop the pressure.
My daughter called me in tears after an exam on Monday. She thought it went so bad and she never gets good grades no matter how hard she tries.
I was so ashamed of myself because that was my pressure causing her pain. My daughter averages A/B, good
grades, just suffering the long-term effects of having a 9ja mother.
I very quickly realised my folly and reassured her that my Love for her is unconditional.
Sometimes when I read this your blog e bi like say the 9ja when I grow up different from your own. As for me we nor get all this kind bodi touch bodi random elders, greeting NA space thing no close contact I suppose that has carried on with my children I have just gone to ask them and the reply I got was which kind hug? hugging Na for their friends (thank God)
Funlola wen we ask how school na just for talk sake. All you have to say is school is fine full stop. All those kind of talk Na just 9ja talk we know it is not easy we too have being there too.
What an ignorant comment, so what if the 9ja u grew up is different from the one others did?
Does that make the issue we are debating here less real? So u think that greeting from a distance keeps a child safe when the intent to abuse is real?
Purleeeeze!!!
A FOLLOWER @ 1 May @21:45
well said. Some people can be so arrogant in their ignorance. So what if life has been good for you. It does not mean that life is good for others. We need to show some humility.
What a deep topic. Yes o. Abuse is real and irrespective of culture or ethnicity. Certain areas like cousins not sleeping over could be quite grey area. I remember my uncle used to discourage sleepovers between my cousins( 2 boys) and us(2 girls and a boy) on the grounds of curiosity killed d cat ; which made all parties( the children) so upset and disrespected at the idea that we could get up to things like that . Hence my grey area reference.
Anonymous 11:05am ; pls can you expantiate on that your comment about 'satisfaction bringing the cat back' in the context of this topic, it seem a bit dodgy !
Lolee, nigerian aunties and uncles ask questions for the sake of it sometimes not necessarily wanting a sincere answer and question like'how is ur studies is one of them'. However, you do have some over zealous or prying uncles that would want to know how you are doing and compare your achievements to their own kids or relatives;the standard answer without paying much attention to them should be 'going on fine' Fine is a word we use a lot in naija . I do feel ur pain as I had an uncle that would always ask me how my studies were going and fine wasn't enough, he would; ask what position are u in class. If I said 3rd, he would tell me of another cousin that came 1st! I disliked him for a very long time.
I am also a believer in challenging ( pushing)kids within their academic capability; if you as a parent don't do it especially in this Oyinbo land; you would be lucky if the Oyinbo teachers do it for your black child.
What a deep! Profound and sensitive topic. This is not a subject to be taken lightly. We can all see from the comments made, that people take It seriously and feel very strongly about this subject. We all have a role to play in keeping our children safe and secure, irrespective of our culture, ethnicity or if we feel we are perfect parents or not. Abuse is perpetuated in different forms, it could be emotional, phsycolgical, physical, financial, etc. and by people who are very close to us. we try our utmost best as parents to ensure that our children are safe at all times. It is brilliant that we all have very strong views about this topic. What are we going to contribute to ensure that all children are safe and secure and free from abuse? Over to all guardians of children be they ours or not. Be vigilant, respond positively to our children's concerns. If you sense that it is not usual or right, it is probably not. Parents and particularly mothers have very strong instinct when it comes to their children, please respond positively. We are the only ones that can protect our children. Children are the most important thing that ever happened to us. The onus is on us to listen and respond positively to their needs whatever they are.
Every child matter. They are all vulnerable one way on other. Please protect them. There is nothing known as a perfect home, perfect environment or perfect parenting. Children don't seek abuse. In most cases, it comes to them where ever they are.
Be vigilant if not for anything but for our children.
This is an important topic that is being brought to limelight. Child abuse, adult abuse, wife abuse, husband abuse, brother abuse, sister abuse, friendship abuse, etc are very subtle serious issues. We all need to recognize the fact that it happens and it has been happening, knowingly and unknowingly.
I will always remember an incident when I was in primary two in Ijebu. Our class teacher (bless her) gave us arithmetic homework to be completed before the next day. She said just to remind us not to forget, she gave everyone one of us in the class six lashes of the cane each. Was that an abuse??? It is worth pointing out that some of the kids still forgot to do the homework.
As a very young child living with my grandparents in Ijebu, I was always scared to tell them if I any illness (be headache, stomach upset, etc) as the medicine you would be given are made of herbs soaked in "pure ogogoro" (undiluted local dry gin). So, you can imagine not feeling well and you are "COMPLETELY DECKED" before going to school in the morning just because you had upset stomach in the night. WAS THAT CHILD ABUSE???
Am only just able to read this post cos of my shift work. I read this and a memory came to me.
The first person I evrr kised at aged 14 was my cousin we were the same age. Was done in all innocence. She is now married with kids. We have never spoken about this but now as a father with a 13 year old daughter I know this was wrong. If any relatin practice such with her I don't want to think wat I will do.
God should give us guidance to know how to protect out children's.
Fine boy Jonny, I'm humbled by your honesty. I want to put a spanner in all the works as if things are not bad enough.
I know (with certainty) of an AUNTY rumoured to lesbian performing oral ### acts on her niece.
For all the convenient amnesia people, God help you and the children you put in jeopardy because of your denial.
A word is enough for the wise.
God bless Albanese who commented at 14 20. God save our children from these aunties and uncles that are meant to be safeguarding them from such abuse.
The perpetrators are our loved ones, they are in our homes, they are around us morning, noon and night.
We have a lot to do as adults and guardians to protect our young and vulnerable.
Abuse is real and there is no society that is immune from it. I agree with you that a child has more chance of being abused by someone known to the family. Therefore as mothers, we have great responsibilities in ensuring that our children are well protected from all sorts of abuse. We must be vigilant like soldiers at war, who do not want to be caught off guard. I think my mum did a very good job. Though at the time, my siblings and l felt she was just too strict because she would, for instance, not allow us to visit relatives on vacations or sleep over in anybody’s house. But today l know better. She did it out of love for us. No mother wants her children to go through bad experience that she or people have gone through. A friend told me how while vacationing with his grandmother was made to hawk newspapers. Of course when the mother got to know, that was his last time of going on holidays or spending weekend in anybody’s house.
As for our friend that gives eba as breakfast, l wonder what the children will eat for lunch. I think she needs a dietician lol.
Yes I agree with FTA who commented at 10.49. A child having eba for breakfast is the highest level of abuse. What would they have for lunch and dinner? How will this child concentrate, when they spend most of their time trying to keep awake?
E ba wa da is oro yi o. Child sbuse is not only physical.
"At his best, man is the noblest of all animals, seperated from law and justice he is the worst" - Aristotle.
My comments will be directed to the sexual abuse aspect of safeguarding.
By nature, man is an animal with basic animal instincts. He will take advantage of a weaker subject either of the same specie or another given the opportunity.
Nature has no boundary for sexual desire or urges as demonstrated by other animals. If a man for instance sees a fully grown girl naked with her head completely covered, thereby obliterating her identity, he is most likely going to be aroused. That girl may turn out to be his daughter if her identity is revealed. It can even be worse, identity revealed or not, it may have the same effect. That is nature, that is how men are wired.
What seperates us from other animals, that makes us process information received through sight is our brain which in turn has been shaped, attuned and modelled to decipher what is acceptable behaviour based on societal dictates, law/religion and justice.
Where a man has not imbibed these values that regulate society, he becomes a social deviant. These set cut across all societies black or white.
As mentioned in the article and earlier comments, the most guilty when it comes to child abuse are people that you least expect or suspect because of the closeness in relationship with the child. That proximity gives them the OPPORTUNITY for such abuse.
Nothing will stop this kind of behaviour, as it is inate in some men to behave as animals. It will continue from generation to generation. It therefore belies on we parents to reduce to the barest minimum, if not completely any OPPORTUNITY for the abuser(s) to cultivate or groom our children for their deviant pleasure.
Mothers, keep watch over your children. Anyone can be the abuser.
By the way Ola, I hope what you said in your article "I stop chewing gum and stick discreetly under the table" is not true. I have this eerie feeling that it might be.
Risikat, You have opened a pandora box that we Nigerians always stupidly want to convince ourselves that all is morally fine in our society. We are so religious and very ungodly. Kids and adults are abused in the name of God and respect for elders. Teachers and lecturers see Girls as piece of meat. As for your Aunty that feeds her kids on eba for breakfast she needs her head examined by profs in white coat. I will not be surprised if are kids are in this situation but cant tell her because she has convinced them that its an Oyinbo issue. As born agains will say - hope its not her portion.
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