WHAT'S UP DOC?

                      

I really don't mean to put you off your breakfast or early morning tea but the other day I was jisting with my brother about an uncle of ours who was unwell. The strange thing though was the way he went about describing his symptoms to me. He said his tummy was "funny" this I took to mean that he had a running stomach. I was about to give him my spill about eating dry foods and no more fruit blah di blah however upon further questioning it transpired that he was actually feeling constipated. I became so cross.

As I told my brother, he laughed and asked why was I so wound up over such a small thing and he asked was I not aware that 'our people' were always like that when it came to describing ailments and he went on to remind me of the other phrase used to describe the feeling of dizziness i.e. "My eyes are turning me", he asked me where did I want him to start? Was it our love for self medication, self-diagnosis, mis-diagnosis, old wives tales, home remedies or what? 

Who remembers those vendors that sold medicine on the buses back home? One tablet cures all: constipation, 'diarrhoea' (do not attempt to spell this word without spell check!!), rashes, 'jedi-Jedi' (piles), high blood pressure, infertility, diabetes or erectile dysfunction! And the most disturbing thing is though we knew some of the passengers purportedly buying these tablets, potions and concoctions on the buses were mere 'plants', others were however buying these meds genuinely with hope for a cure! 

Likewise self-medication, need I mention all those sleeping pill addicts, Lexotan included, softly softly, painkiller cocodamol n'ko?  

We have mastered the act of self-medicating to mask underlying medical conditions that could potentially be ticking time-bombs.  

We love the hard core stuff, then come over here for medical 'investigation' expecting miracles and  start to complain when treatment is commenced with administration of 'simple paracetamol' which is as effective as sucking a sugar cube because our bodies are so used to those 'narcotics' 

What of our love for antibiotics? Need I go there? 

You make a long distance call 'home', Aunty how are you? 

'I'm fine my dear, my neighbour gave me one tablet to use, since then swelling in my leg has gone down!'

'Errm Aunty what tablet exactly have you taken?' 

'Ahhhh you've started o, are you a doctor? I don't know the name of the tablet, it 'didn't' matter I said the swelling has gone down". 

Next week you call Aunty, phone rings incessantly, no answer, eventually call is answered people are crying in the background.....I say no more!!!

We have such an entrenched love for symptomatic treatment, never really getting to root cause of many illnesses. 

Or have you ever had anyone back home who is unwell?  The experience of trying to find out what's actually going on from our shores here can be very painful experience to say the least. You receive phone call informing you Aunty is not well, when you ask what's the matter you get one liners' like: 

 'She is not eating' 

Okay she is not eating and then what?? 

"Eh she is not eating and she is cold" 

"Cold like how? Is she cold to touch? or she is feeling cold?" 

And it goes on and on. Before you know it you would have turned into 999 operator with all your questions! When you call the following week for 'situation report'  you are told Aunty is much better now as 'she is eating'!!! 

What has eating got to do with assessing one's well being? Yes, we all know that loss of appetite can be caused by ill health but why would anyone assess ailment as being cured simply because the patient has regained their appetite? 

A friend of mine, somewhat frustrated when doctors back home could not sort out her uncle's backache, she booked appointment to see her own doctor here and pretended to have backache and started reeling off all her uncles symptoms as her own ( yes she should have known better!) anyway at the end of the consultation what medication do you think she was prescribed by doctor?

Sorry to disappoint you, none!! Rather she was referred for blood test and back X-ray! Simples, that's how we roll here, folk. 

Another scenario,  Aunty is unwell and taken to hospital, as we try to monitor situation from this side of the pond (Lebara and Lycra mobile phone credit is running like tap), from point of registration and payment for a 'card' at the hospital. Next we are informed that doctor is conducting some tests. You ask which tests exactly and the whole thing is shrouded in mystery as if the doctor is a herbalist. Doctor is god, nobody questions doctor, at the end of the day Aunty is given some tablets in those plastic envelope like wallets with 3 to be taken daily without food (name of this tab is not written on the envelope o). We are such a trusting bunch!

My greatest bug bear though is Team Shiny hospital Vs Team General/Teaching hospital. Our people get ever so carried away with all things 'shiny' including hospitals. How many times have we heard about the unwarranted death of people in these purported 'top hospitals'. For sake of clarity to set up a Top Hospital all that is required is a few coins to spare, invest most of your money in the exterior and interior design, air conditioners, flat screen tv mounted in reception, water cooler, pretty receptionist that speaks aje butter english, then recruit some half baked doctors from an unaccredited medical school, put them in 'white coat', throw in a few auxiliary nurses (we call them health care assistants here!) and you're good to go!! 

Style Over Substance wins each time. You will have no shortage of patients, meanwhile, the Teaching and General hospitals that have the gene pool of expertise, albeit maybe some very dated equipment are left on the shelf. Yes, I admit it's a Catch-22 situation but trust me the teaching/ general hospitals are possibly a safer option. 

And to buttress my point and on a lighter note, friend of mine shamefully admitted to me that back in the day when in Naija and dating a guy who had just returned from 'oversea' she was so hell bent on impressing him, so as they were driving along Allen Avenue, Ikeja, she pointed to a random medical centre that looked really 'cool' and told the guy ' that's my mum's hospital' the guy asked 'What? you mean, your ma' owns that place?' she explained that no, it was the hospital her mum used when unwell. The guy was quick to point out to my friend in his American drawl, "How sick is your Ma', mehn? 'That's a Hospice!!"

Another friend's mum was on hols from Naija and started to feel unwell so my friend took mama to see a GP, as he started to take her medical history he asked whether Mama smoked or drank alcohol, you should have seen the look of shock-horror on Mama's face 'Smoke kè? what kind of woman do you take me for? Mama asked shaking her head indignantly, clicking her fingers and telling him 'God forbid'. My friend said her respect for our doctors' increased as this guy sat there, kept such a straight face and he did not bat an eyelid or react to mama's melodramatic response. He just continued with his next question "Mama how sexually active are you?" (I made that part up......but could you imagine Mama's reaction? Classic and awkward!!!)

What's your take on 'our' attitude towards anything medical in general?

On that note thanks for your custom, have a great weekend. 

You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks ~ Winston Churchill