BIG BROTHER'S WATCHING US!

                    

                  

                      

I went shopping the other day and as I was walking back to the car, I noticed the driver's side had been "keyed". 

For the sake of clarity "Car Keying" is the act of intentionally scraping the sharper point of an object, usually a key though, across the windshield or door of a car, leaving a large long scratch in the paint and a costly repair. Often performed in anger or spite it's a form of vandalism.  

So you can only imagine my annoyance as I throw the shopping to the ground, flour, eggs, oil everything 'come scatter-scatter!' I bend down to assess the damage on the body work (a bit like a Naija 'Panel beater') and started cussing, under my breath of course as on this side of the pond any 'drama' or public display of anger' is frown upon and would only be met with disdain by on-lookers. They would glance nervously at you then quickly look away to avoid any eye contact, then cross to the other side of the road to put as much distance between themselves and you, fearing for their safety and possibly worried for your well being. They just don't like to get involved!

If you make too much noise and they feel you are particularly disturbed, one concerned random person could possibly get on the phone to emergency services and before you can say "Jack Robinson" (Please somebody help me, who was this 'Jack' of a somebody??) police and some men in 'white coats' have carted you off for psychiatric evaluation (Sincere apologies to my brother 'Ak' on that one, due to nature of his work he does not take kindly to any trivialisation of Mental Health issues be they direct or veiled and this is not my intention!)

Now if this kind situation happened in Naija, first and foremost, we are not really spiteful people, we are much more direct, verbal and visual so if somebody was not to happy with me parking my car in the exclusive "mother and child" reserved parking bays for parents with young kids (yes that's the full story and that's what I did! However it was early morning though and there were loads of empty such parking bays!!). 

There would be no keying of any car but more likely:

"Haba Aunty this is not fair now, why you park here, see that Madame there with small pikins, she has nowhere to park, it's not good o" I could then respond with a "Gerrout!! where you come from sef? wetin concern you in d matter, who are you?? who born you? do you know who I am?..." Or possibly reply with a

" Ah sorry o, no vex I no see the sign, make I move car quick-quick" 

End of matter.

However on the unlikely off-chance, you did return to meet your car keyed and you started screaming and kicking off, I assure you before you call that "Jack" bobo again, crowd would have "gadad" around you.

"Madame wetin happen now? Hope no problem"

"Haa see me, see wahala o, u no see how persin use key, scratch my car?"

Eyaaa sorwi o, what nonsense, how persin go wicked like this? but why now?

"Auntie, no vex o, e no better for d persin, dey will never enter car, na waka, dem go dey take dia leg waka.....moto go jam dem"

"Chai Madame dis one na 'winchcraft', I dey suspect one persin, you see that broda wey dey over dere.....

Before you know it the crowd have taken over and have become Judge, Jury and "Prosecution"!!! Everybody literally "putting their mouth" in the matter.

Anyway, apologies for the digression!

That evening my friend Abeni came to visit (Yaaaaay she's back, by my calculation this is her 3rd appearance on this blog!) And I quickly jisted her about what had happened earlier in the day. She just sat there with an indignant scowl on her face and said nothing! 

"Hah Abeni aren't you going to say anything about this matter? Why would someone have done that?" 

She shakes her head and says "Good for you, it's good for you Ola!" 

In my head I'm thinking "Oh here we go" and I'm beginning to regret telling her this tale, as she is in one of 'those' moods and wearing her halo! But I do need to know where she's going with this one so I press on: 

"Abeni why would you be glad that someone keyed the car?" She claps her hands and says "But did I not warn you?" I ask her "warn me about what exactly?" Abeni replies "When I advised you not to hang that stupid thing in your car, did you listen to me?" 

Now I'm really miffed!!! "Abeni abeg just 'land', what are you on about, hang what? In what car? Where?"

Abeni: That green white green Naija flag!!! 

The penny finally drops, it's taken us a while but, Hey! honey we're home, we're finally arrived in The one dimensional Land of Abeni (aka Abeni's World!!), what she's referring to is not even a flag, it's actually a pair of novelty miniature boxing gloves, colour of the Nigerian flag 'green, white, green' that hang on the rear view mirror in my car (image at top of this post!!)

(Sorry to burst your bubble folks, but no it was not an 'igbale' aka Nigerian broom that I hung in car and double honours to any of you that understand what I'm talking about!!)

Abeni has always had "issues" with these boxing gloves, her point being that they draw too much attention to my Naija Heritage. She questions why I would want this fact displayed behind the windscreen of my car. She alleges that my people have caused so much emotional, financial and economic trauma to people over here. She asks me, am I not aware that 'these' people are watching us? I ask her 'which people', she just shakes her head and says I should count my blessing that the car was only keyed!! She then begins to group people that could have 'good cause' to key the car due to some bitter experience with some countrymen of mine.

Abeni climbs her soap box and off she goes:

Recipients of "Those letters/email", we all know about these, they arrived on doorsteps or via email asking for help in releasing some former African dictators off-shore millions tied up in some bank "somewhere" in the world, that can only be released if the person can provided their bank details, for a quick transfer of these funds to their account and then an onward transfer of this money to the writer of this "letter".  They're promised a large generous cut. So what do these recipients do??! They send them all their account details, 'valid from' date, expiry date, including the 16 digit card number across the front of their debit/Credit card with the 3-digit security code at the back! 

They then sit down and wait for these millions to hit their account and in their head they begin to spend the money, car of their dreams, house of their dreams, how they will close down Selfridges, Harrod's or whole of The West End for a 3 day shopping spree with personal shopper!

Next morning as they make what they hope to be their final shopping trip to their local supermarket vowing that God forbid they 'take their leg enter' such a store again after 'their' money arrives. As they approach the till and attempt to make payment of £9.89 for the milk, sugar, fags, The UKIP newspaper and coffee, the card is declined for payment! They're wondering why??? Sebi salary was credited the previous day! They call bank and are informed that they have insufficient funds as the account had been emptied the previous day with a random on-line shopping purchase! 

See Wahala, See Gobe!!!!

I shake my head and say "Abeni don't be ridiculous, that's a pathetic example, it's the greed of these people, why would anyone part with their account..." 

Abeni raises her hand and cuts me short, she says she's not yet finished and that I should let her 'land'

She continues, what about those "Our Boys?"

I'm wondering "our boys" like how? she then starts going into intricate details about 'one her colleague' that met one of "our boys" over the internet on-line dating site, be-a-mugu.com, she starts giving me a blow by blow account of how this "relationship" blossomed over the internet between 2 consenting adults that have never met! Initially I find the tale quite intriguing until Abeni started rambling on and on, I'm just nodding as the story becomes monotonous and at some point this tale turns into an accountancy tutorial as its full of bank money transfers and credits that Abeni's colleague made to this "our boy" from our homeland!

By the time I tune back into her tale, this her colleague has made a 6th bank transfer of £700 to this "our boy", I've lost track and had a enough, so I interrupt her freestyle and say "Abeni, any person be they male or female that thinks giving money to someone they have never met, in the name of love..." Abeni cuts me short again..."Risi I've not 'landed' there is more o....

She starts to recount tale of one of our Sister's that appeared in the newspapers this week for her court Trial. This sister within 2 days of starting a new job at a London city firm, started to embezzle to the tune £17,000. It further transpired during the court case that she had also defrauded a previous employer, a top accountancy firm, to the tune of £35,000 and had served a prison sentence for this offence. Story gets more mind blowing as the judge did not jail her because she had paid back the money and is currently retraining to become a teacher!!! 

Abeni was so vexed she asks what could such a person possibly want to teach kids, 'Creative' accounting or what??? Abeni also questions why was it always such high level 'pen robbery' fraud that 'our people' engaged in? 

I try to argue that this sister may not actually be "one of ours" after all she had an English first name and surname with a random Naija middle name sandwiched in between and that anyone could adopt a name...Abeni is having none of this and asks me not to rationalize "rubbish" and that I should keep quiet as she has still not once again 'Landed'

She starts, "What of those "Brides for Pali" (passport)...one of my friends, sister's, brother's first cousin met this guy who proposed to her.....

You know what people? At this point I gave up as "It really didn't 'wot' it"

Do you feel Big Brother is watching us and do we really have something to apologise for?

Big thanks to Iya Ibeji for her guest blog last week.

On that note guys thanks for your custom, Thank God it's Friday and have a great weekend. 

And it's a wrap!

Oh yeah, how could I forget?? Those of us that engaged  in Tuesday's Question of the day banter which was  "When a man gives money to his girlfriend, what do we call it?" 

I still chuckle at the thought of the answers you guys came up with!  We had rent, service charge, egunje, incentive, personal allowance, maintainance, gratuity, pocket money, earnings, welfare, gift, "Owo ikanlekun, owo isilekun" (ie knock on door and open door money) to mention a few. And apparently it's called a "future investment" when a girlfriend gives money to a guy! 

Personally I think "Service Charge" was the most innovative answer!!!

The story is always better than your ability to write it ~ Robin McKinley