Hi there, it's that time of the year again, August month of holiday 'don come'. Our people have arrived for 'summer' Don't you just love it?
Well I do anyway! Arik Air, Virgin Atlantic and British Airways flying in live and direct from Naija left, right and centre. Then we have the beloved KLM, Air France, Turkish, Emirates, Kenya, Ethiopia and other airlines that do 'that little detour' before they reach 'our backyard aka L'abroad' The UK.
As you pull up at The Arrivals Short Term Car park London, Heathrow (praying you have the right Terminal) no pressure, you are literally 'on timer' as the clock starts ticking; 1st hour parking £6.50, 2-3 hours £10.50, 2-3 hours £13.00, 3-4 hours £17.00, 4-5 hours £21.00 and so on and so forth. But we're not fussed are we? After all there is no way Mammi, Popsie, In-law, Besto, Cousin, Friend, Boo, Bae or Foe will have anything to declare, so clearing immigration should be a doodle and speedy process right? <quick glance sideways>
We look at our wristwatch, synchronise time with parking ticket and if you're anything like me start sprinting towards the Arrivals lounge, as for 'me and my house' £10.50 is the max, there is no way I want to pay more than that for any airport parking runs!
'Anyways' we arrive and our people start trooping out, now how do we recognise our people? Well firstly all our cute little girls have neatly plait hair with 'those' beads and multi coloured adornments and siblings wear matching outfits, be they twins or otherwise! Likewise the mummys' all have neatly corn-rowed hair, single plaits or 'those' 1 million braids (on a serious note, do people still do those braids?? Pretty as they may be those braids are as healthy as rubbing hair removal cream along hairline!!). Also the mummy's are usually 'on' jeans, with TM Lewin white or striped shirt, make-up always impeccable, skin glowing, jewellery on point and hands always well manicured. Another tell-tale sign, our men stroll with purpose, casually and are NEVER to be rushed. Often they have 'that' little clutch bag tucked under their armpit with 'the spending money' (after all "it's all about the Benjamin's baby") Mummy is usually a few steps behind daddy trying to control 'Junior' and help him with his luggage. Scenario I've just described is straight forward because these 'holiday makers' have speedily cleared immigration. This however is not always the case, delays could arise as a result of contraband food items or immigration teething problems. And we are left there stretching our necks hoping next family walking out through those doors are ours.
Now this is how this one goes down; over the years two types of Naija holiday makers have emerged, we have the new breed, this group arrive on our cloudy shores and head straight for their pre-booked 5-star hotels or deluxe apartments. So the way it rolls is, on the off-chance they have not arranged their own taxi ride from airport, worst case scenario is you may end up chauffeuring them to their destination at which point you then kiss, hug and say goodbye. Shikena, end of story!
Possibly you may meet up once or twice during their holiday and you could be invited for a dinner by them or vice versa, they tend to be busy sight-seeing, catching fun and shopping for the duration of their holiday. They very much keep to themselves, having made watertight plans for their holiday from Naija and are seldom reliant on others. Most times you phone them during course of the holiday you will find they're always out and about and/or engaging in some fun activities.
Then we have the other type of Tiwa-Tiwa (home grown) Holiday Makers that stay with family or friends (how many of you have managed to keep a straight face as you read this?).
You just have to love them, it's all about the love.
As you drive out of airport (you've just paid £13 for parking due to the 'slight' delay over the ponmo, suya, pepper, palm oil and ogi they brought with them) and you arrive home. As you struggle to squeeze suitcase out from the boot, Uncle Holiday maker has left you and strolls into the house casually looking around and saying "Na wa for all "you people's' small London 2 x 6 ft houses" (the real story is you actually live in Hertfordshire, Essex, Kent, Bedfordshire or Surrey popularly known as 'outside London'!) while Aunty stays behind to help you dislodge the 32kg heavy suitcases rammed in the boot.
'Junior' and 'Rhianna' (Naija's have truly started giving their girls such names, not hating just saying!) have also left you to get on with it, walking into your house, looking unimpressed and asking "Is this 'The' London?" they are not used to helping with such chores as back home they have House helps, Oga Sonny the driver, Musa the gateman, Fred the 'Washaman', Felix the Security guard, Paul the Gardener to mention a few!
And then the shananigans begin, more times than not we the hosts would have cooked a fresh pot of stew to welcome our holiday makers....the first surprise however is that Rhianna and Junior do not eat Naija food!! And their parents are so proud to share this useful piece of information with us, like a badge of honour. So next request is 'Aunty I want pizza'!
As a yoruba woman I get kinda confused when my children raised here, know it's the 'done' thing to kneel down (curtsey) and greet their elders while Rhianna and Junior from 'Las Gidi' (Lagos) are totally clueless so literally 'stand on my head' each morning of their holiday when they see me with 'swollen mouth' staring at me. A 'good morning Aunty' would suffice!
Oh yeah another thing (maybe I should call it a new Trend) don't make mistake of speaking your native tongue (language) to these kids either as they will also just stare blankly at you, because guess what my people? They don't understand a word and their parents are also quick to point out 'ah they don't speak Yoruba/Igbo/ Hausa o' this giving them comfort that the over-inflated school fees paid back home are not a waste!
Mind you, what of the Aunty and Uncle Holiday Maker and the rudeness? How can you come and stay in someone's house and complain each day about how small the houses are? Or as my friend that prompted this particular blog pointed out to me, what of the inappropriate and intrusive questions? She was asked one morning by 'Aunty Holiday Maker' in her 'silky nightie' and brightly coloured yellow hair net "So have 'you people' finished paying for this house?" I asked my friend not to be cross and helped her analyse the question (you know I love to analyse!) what the Aunty wanted to prove was that she understood the concept of mortgages and to show she was 'with the programme'!
This same couple would be getting 'jiggy with it' each morning of the holiday (you know our walls are so thin!) and rather than feed Junior and Rhianna they would send the kids downstairs to ask my friend to make their breakfast instead while they continued with their 'bedmatics' as the house walls shook!
Need I mention the lack of appreciation of travel distances covered when providing chauffeuring services, host lives in the suburbs meanwhile Aunty and Uncle Holiday Maker casually want to be dropped at Edgware Road to shop, from there Liverpool St, then Walthamstow market or the expectation that at the drop of a hat host can leave everything to pick them up.
Or what of the uncle holiday maker that would wake up at 3am for praise worship and prayer every morning for one hour shouting at the top of his voice, would have been ok if he did not wake up the whole household in the process and the next door neighbours! Then to add 'dry pepper' to injury, the next morning over breakfast this same uncle would be showing off to my friend and hubby that he was such a great prayer warrior and ask whether they had heard him!
Then let's go there! The endless shopping, no crime in that at all, who doesn't like shopping? But please try to carry your own bags don't expect your host to be lugging them around for you and most importantly get rid of packaging, hangers, clips, pins, shoe boxes, nylon bags from bedrooms before you leave. We find it amusing that the high-end shopping bags from Selfridges and Harrod's are never left behind when you leave, so kindly spare a thought and take the Primark and Poundland ones along with you as well!
Oh yeah another quick observation, on your home bound journey when you insist that we park the car and accompany you to departures for check-in, rather than leaving you at passenger drop-off and driving off. We love to believe you do this because of the affection you have for us and not because you want us on standby to take any excess luggage you may have back to our homes!
Yes on the flip side of coin I acknowledge that when WE travel back home, Aunty and Uncle Holiday Maker are ever so hospitable and go out of their way to treat us like royalty, that however is no excuse, one should not mistake liberty for licence when they come to play the return match on our side of the pond!
So 'should in case' you notice a 747 en-route LOS-LHR with approximately 400 Naija home crowd on board, please spare a thought for all those accommodating hosts out there! We love you all really Xxx
Do blog readers have any other travel advice for our 'August' visitors? (no pun intended)
And on that note thanks for your custom, thank God it's Friday & have a great weekend.
If I cut you off, chances are you handed me the scissors ~ Unknown
17 comments:
Funny, funny and true. And it would be nice if the second type of holiday makers, awon tiwa ntiwa actually did come for a holiday. At times it looks like they have come for a shopping extravaganza! Well, well their choice I guess.
Their idea of a holiday - so the only places the kids are likely to end up knowing in london are the shopping malls and Oxford street.
My list list:
If only 'uncle' was more helpful. It's not just about the Benjamin's baby! There is more money in that 'armpit bag than in central bank.
If only nephew was more friendly and adressed me properly ..." She" isn't a good reference to me.
If only 'niece' was always less bored with the world.
If only 'auntie' was more helpful in the kitchen and less inclined to buy everything she sees in my kitchen. I really skimped and saved to buy it.
If only they came with their house help.....
If only customs had not seized the iru, ogi, epo, and igbin
Maybe I'd feel a little better.
But we still enjoyed the three weeks summer holiday regardless.
RBN! RBN! RBN!
Oh no you didn't go there!
What irks me is the way folks just expect and take without asking!
The assumption that you are superhuman because you live in England is nothing short of crazy.
To make matters worse they want to eat every manner of Nigerian food when they have just arrived from Nigeria!
Next year IJN I must find money to be away over the summer!!
"To your tent O Israel" aka "every man for himself"
Simply can't bear the teenage visitors, earplugs in all day, swollen mouth. No smile. And the accent, makes you wonder if they are from the U.S or Africa! All they want is pizza, macdonald's or Nando's. They don't eat beans, don't eat eba, don't eat amala. Speak with the high pitched false voice which simply grates on your nerves all day. A lot of them have so much freedom and open the eyes of your own teen, leaving you to pick up the pieces. Sorry no room in the inn anymore. No teens allowed. I have had enough.
One relly wanted me to just pop down ( from Exeter where I lived at the time) to pick his wife ( who was with child en route to Ireland) up from Heathrow and take her to her hotel. And then go back to pick her up the next day to take her back to Heathrow for her connecting flight. All on a school night too.
Haba!!!!!!
I referred him to a UK map drawing his attention to the scale, and there has been a deafening silence since then.
RBN leaving no stones unturned on this one!!! Thought I would share my take from a Zim view...
Funny article RBN and we have similar holidays blues with home visitors however visa and cash restrictions are worse in Zimbabwe. The picking and dropping requests are the same though. Hahaha. However we have the opposite of shopping lists for Sports Direct & Primark on the way home which often gobble up most of your luggage allowance and I have to fit my stuff in hand luggage and this works on the way back to London to smuggle some good old home goodies.
That aside there is always the excitement which comes with going home or receiving visitors from home and the famous bag opening ceremony. This is the main highlight. Home will always be good and the late nights catching up with family and friends.
Hi Cos the blog was the highlight of my Saturday morning as I read it from my temporary sleeping place the sofa as my visitor from Lagos sleeps peacefully in my bed!! At the moment I have been demoted from charity director to cook, house girl, driver and a constant companion.
I really do love my Nigerian family but I love my bed and space more.
Solid analysis. However you should of added the high heeled shoes worn with the TM Lewin shirt tucked into the jeans. For our brodas, why no mention of the Polo shirt with the number at the back?
Rbn
Well written blog but noticed not many comments could u have hit a nerve.
Have our blog reading holidaymaker gone for summer and now camped out in some poor souls bed reading this and feeling shame?
Hear word and repent.
Lol
Alatenumo @15:19
By now I think I have over-flogged and bored readers with my feelings about 'those' men's polo shirts.
As for the Ladies T.M. Lewin shirts tucked into their jeans...I can only cringe. It's a cardinal sin!
Anon @ 7:44 15th Aug.
The penny's dropped and I've just figured out who you are. I've laughed and fallen off seat!
How many more weeks before 'our' June, July August and possibly September holiday maker leaves for 'home'?
I feel your pain.
Just came back from one of the favourite outlets visited by Naija holidaymakers. Don't know if anyone else has noticed, or maybe its me being funny. Is it under must that some of our women must wear "gown"? I guess because they can't see behind them, they do not realise how wrong they look from the back. Their bum would have lifted the dress up, exposing a better part of what would have been best imagined. Needless to say, it is not always a pretty sight.
Lagos visitors have given me a hatred of calculators. They bring out these calculators all the time. Anywhere. Everywhere. Only if they are sure they are not paying you are. I hate the calculations. They are like a badge of honour: I am holidaymaker.
It's the names I can't be dealing with. Either the modern Kyle or Jayden type names OR the heavy biblical names like Hosana or Hadassah OR the I want to tell you a story names like oluwapeyibunminiomoyi OR oluwaferanmititilailai . And the worse bit is "my mummy said you people should not shorten my name o! " Yep !!! you got it , in that middle class whine!
I'm usually not backwards at being forward but even I need a bit of latitude with this one!
Indulge me please.
you know when the plane lands in Nigeria and they open the cabin doors, you get a large doze of the Nigerian fragrance,
yes when ' Tiwan-tiwa' arrive for summer I am drenched with that fragrance again.
Don't get me wrong, it's not bad......just different.
Over the years I assumed it was all the iru, ogi, eja kika ati be be lo......etcetera! etcetera!
So in my house all Nigeria originated suitcases live in the shed until Nigeria bound again.
Hmmmmmm......Alhadja Prophetess Risikatu otherwise known as Alhadja Aribidesi
I am surprised you still pay so much for parking when you go to pick up our holiday folks at the airports (and that is not including your cost of fuel). For over a very long time now I have not been paying any parking fees. I always instruct them to call me when they come out and also for them to wait for me at the departure drop off stand. It serves two purposes. Firstly, it will only cost you for fuel but not parking fees, and secondly their waiting for so long and you getting them to load their luggages in your vehicle themselves gives them a good picture of what to come if and when they get to your house.
Incidentally and luckily for me, I have a wife that is very conservative. Long time ago she insisted we have our own appartment in Naija, so we don't stay with anybody whenever we go to Naija. And whenever people are coming from Naija and they phone to ask what they should bring for us, my wife always tell them not to bother as that we still have so much at home that we brought from Naija ourselves and also that we buy them easily in the shops here. I could remember an anty came from Nigeria with some food stuff for us, my wife simply told her to give them out to some other persons as we have so much at home. She took her into the kitchen and showed her what we had at home.
Because of the above, we rarely have visitors coming to stay with us.
As for Nigerian kids living in Naija and not able to speak their native language, I think its all pretence. I could remember about six years ago, we were visiting a cousin in Naija and he told my son that his kids couldn't speak Yoruba. My son quickly pointed it out to him that it was really unintelligent for those kids to live amongst Yoruba and cannot pick up the lingo spoken around them as he lives in England and he is able to speak Yoruba by picking it up from his parents. Instantly the kids themselves told my son that they could speak the lingo and since that very moment they always speak Yoruba to my son every time they see him.
Don't let them deceive you with their pretence and vanity
Demola
Yes summer holidays. Here we come again. The cycle is never ending. Summer holidays, Christmas, EasterMy , etc. they are here all the time. Even if it means travelling round the world on the cheapest flight to get here. The bottom line is they landed at Heathrow or Gatwick.
We have various categories of visitors, you have the ones who struggle and have very limited funds to support them when they arrive. They seek advise on how to live and travel cheap, meaning, at some point you have to help subsidise. The other category are the ones who live well back home, shop in Harrods and Selfridges but not willing to pay for hotel accommodation but happy to live on your living room floor, causing you a lot of inconvenience, meaning you cannot use your living room as intended.
I am more than happy to accommodate friends and relatives, however, I unable to deal with personal questions or unreasonable demands. My mum is in her late 70s and she does her thing when she here. She files alone as far as Wales, etc. she also travels on her own most days by coach. I don't experience headache from my aged mum, why should I with visiting friends and relatives.
A relative visited a while ago, as they came in, there were scented candles burning. My visitor was unhappy, gestured and raised their voice and said to me, What is all this, assuming that I have changed my religion. If that were the case, not sure how or why that is their business. Our culture does not allow us to say exactly how we fell about our elderly relatives. I looked and mumbled under my breath, "why don't you book yourself into a hotel". When they leave, you never hear from them again until their next holiday is due. They can be users and ingrates.
Having said that I also have a relative who visits and they are a joy, they know what boundaries are all about, they would not come into my room if they are not invited, seek permission before helping themselves to anything, I find it annoying but I really do appreciate it, very refreshing. They leave my things the way they find them, I look forward to having them.
All in all, I enjoy having visitors for a week or two, as long as the take care of themselves and I don't have to cook for them. I can roll with this arrangements.
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