NAME AND SHAME

 Monday 26th Sept 2022 my phone pings message reads ‘Hello, I’m fundraising for ****church. Here’s my JustGiving page, if you’d like to donate’

I hissed, my thoughts were I’ve not fund raised, risen or rose for my own Church, I will now come and do so for yours?? Why would I want to donate🤷🏾‍♀️. I’m resolute they won’t get one penny off me. I quickly check the link though and noted that no one has made a donation. 

Wed 5th October, phone pings again ‘Hi, please see below link for my 5K Charity run this Saturday. It’s for a great cause and I would really appreciate your support. Every little helps’

This time my thoughts are ‘yeah every little helps but you’re not getting diddly squat help from me’. 

6th October phone pings again, ‘they’ have changed antics adding a personal touch! WhatsApp reads:

‘Ola o, sponsor me now. Kilode gan? Just click and pay o’ I shake my head trying to stifle a smile.  At the time my whatsapp DP, was a photo of my hand with a bracelet sitting on my wrist inscribed with the words ‘I Am Enough’. A bit of a humble brag, I thought the words were so cool and bougie, the bracelet was pretty as well. I was just showing off🥺. So imagine how I felt when the person’s message continued with: Ola We know ‘You Are Enough’, can you now just pay and donate towards my sponsored run.  ‘The dig’ actually hurt and the smile now left my face.  I replied with 3 words ‘COST OF LIVING’, expecting them to ‘Get The Memo’ and leave me alone. 

But no alas they now revert to Yoruba! Message reads ‘Ahmed lo ko ko sanwo, omo gidi’ which translates to ‘Ahmed was the first to donate, he is a good boy’ 

For those of you that don’t know, Ahmed is my brother. So now I’m being guilt tripped to make a donation simply because my brother had done so. I reply ‘and so?’

And a response comes back immediately  ‘ara lo n’ta e’ literal translation ‘your body is peppering you’ or in plain English ‘you’re just jealous’🤬

The next day another ping ‘My dear people, thank you to all that have supported me ‘so far’. I am still expecting support from those who haven’t. The race is tomorrow. Every little helps. God bless’ Followed by the most over used Naija emoji i.e. ‘Those’ Praying Hands🙏🏾 (though rumour has it, that this emoji actually portrays someone giving a’ high five’). The Reverse psychology is gradually  ‘werking’. Curiosity gets the better part of me, I check the link to see how much has been donated. This time the figure stands at £1500 😲

The message now also includes naija bank details for peeps who wish to donate in Naira. 

After a few minutes of sober reflection, resignedly I tap on link and make my ‘toro kobo’ (little) contribution 🫣

I then send a message reading ‘I have a broken arm from all this your arm twisting and have paid under duress, hope you are happy, can you let me breathe now please?’ My phone rings immediately….I answer. Let me introduce you to my friend Kenny🤦🏾‍♀️

Kenny and Risi, October 2022

Last year I posted a blog about a friend of mine who works in the city of London and has an arrangement with a naija caterer who delivers lunch to her Monday through to Friday. Kenny will eat amala, gbegiri, tripe and assorted meat at her desk, drink malt, belch ‘clean mouth’ then see a client immediately after. 😩 See blog 👉🏾 Here

From the narrative you’ll have figured she’s incorrigible, persistent and unapologetic and there is no escape from her. But she does achieve results as seen by the amount she raised for her sponsored run over a few days. Current total raised stands at £3100.  When I mentioned that I expected her to run the whole race and not walk she replied that “God does not agree with us running😲”. I asked how she came about that and she replies that Proverbs 28 reads: ‘The wicked man runs when no man is chasing him’. The speed with which I rush to my Bible App, NKJV 28:1 actually reads ‘The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are bold as a lion’😩 

Kenny thinks she is witty too. 

She was my course mate at Ogun State University, Nigeria. And baby of our set, the daughter of a professor, smart, you know one of ‘those lot’ who start secondary school really young like age 9 still wearing ‘pampers’ and bib, while the rest of us were already wearing brassiere 😐. Though one of the youngest among us she was so mouthy, cheeky or what’s that naija phrase we use ‘forward’ and she still is! 

My first encounter with her was during Jambite week aka Fresher’s week.  I was experimenting with make-up as it was my first time away from home and growing up I had not been allowed to wear make up. Come on guys that’s the cue for all of you to say ‘awwwwwww’ 🥺

Kenny and Risi. 1991

I had plastered my face with a foundation we called ‘Perfect Finish’ back then and drawn thick eyebrows I was really ‘feeling myself’. This new found freedom of undergraduate life was so up my street. So there I was in the canteen and this girl walks up to me, squinting and staring at me. Eyeball to eyeball she asks ‘what’s this rubbish on your face?’ then licks her finger and uses same finger to shorten the length of the pencilled eyebrows I had drawn😤. 

Shock, anger, humiliation do not describe my emotions. I was literally tongue tied but before I could reply, she says ‘I’m Kenny, I have loads of makeup you need to come to my hostel’  A friendship was born. The year is 1983.  

Through the decades the friendship transcends and shifts between periods of silence and then catching up when we live in each other’s pockets, sharing every aspect of our day-to-day activities. Some of you may have figured out from her name that she’s a twin as Kenny=Kehinde. Her brother by the way is nothing like her. Periodt (the T is deliberate, if you don’t get it forget about it). He is much nicer😐

Last Saturday we attended a charity fund raising event in support of Precious Sights Foundation and were all seated at the same table with Kenny, her twin and rest of her family. 

We pose for the selfie above, she then casually mentions that she has a photo of us taken 31 years ago, scrolling through her phone she forwards to me. 

I stare at pic, (Kenny you really should have made your bed though😱) Kenny japa’d (migrated) before me. I was just visiting from naija at the time. We were young, free and single. Completed Law school and had served our National Youth Service Corp.  Our claim to fame is that we’ve been ‘pouting’ and doing ‘duck mouth’ way before it became a thing in recent years and we’re both rocking bronze lipstick as that was the colour of the day. 31 years later we’ve both gravitated towards a shade of red, mine a tad brighter though💋

Kenny ‘gbera o, wake up, wake up’. Victoria Has No More Secrets! 

If it’s just a teeny-weeny sliver of embarrassment you feel while reading this then my job is done.

Straight to the comments now, I read them for a living and I think the title of this post is referred to as ‘click bait’ 🤪

Thanking God It’s Friday. Catch you all next week🥰

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got~ R. Brault

💅🏾