LIFE AFTER....

Before the Social Distancing Brigade come for me with their sticks and stones, the picture above was taken Pre-Lockdown, New Year’s Day 2020 to be precise!
I was flicking through some pics on my phone and stumbled upon it. At the time this pic represented one big family. Post-Lockdown ‘Game ti change’ as this photograph now represents 5 separate households 😷\ 😷 \😷 \😷 \😷🙈  who are NOT allowed/supposed to mingle with each other and if they do they are expected to stay 2 metres apart. Who ever knew?


Welcome to Social Distancing (SD) 101, now where do I begin🤔 I was jisting with a friend, Modupe recently about not wanting to blog at the moment due to the current COVID -19 climate. My thoughts being that I didn't think readers would be interested in my usual frivolous content. She assured me that for her personally, this was not the case as she needed a distraction from the matter on ground. She went on to say that she only listens to news headlines once a day as they are just too depressing.
She recently celebrated a lockdown birthday and had spent the day having a surprise BBQ set up by her hubby and children. She explained that she had been so content to celebrate with just her nearest and dearest around her.

On my return from Naija earlier this week, I was taken aback by the observance of SD here, not child's play at all. The first thing I did was to rush to the pharmacy to pick up my overdue prescription medication, when I later mentioned this to a friend of mine who happens to be a NHS worker she explained as I am currently self isolating I should not have left my house. She pointed out that I had put the pharmacist at risk 😱and that I could have simply requested to have my meds delivered to me at home. I didn't know, though ignorance of the law is no excuse.  How times have changed!

In Naija the irony for me about Social Distancing was the security guards who measure our temperature before we are allowed in banks, stores, pharmacies are not wearing masks they are literally on top of you neither are they observing the 2 metres gap🤔
While clearing immigration at airport on my return journey ‘fingerprint capture’ was required but was not ‘capturing’ properly. Rather than officer asking me to press harder on the glass he just places his hand on top of my fingers and presses so hard 😢. Nigerian’s and personal space walking hand in hand like water and oil since 1800 BC 😩. Imagine while getting my passport photo taken by a photographer before I knew it he had come to me and tucked my dangling braid behind my ears 😳😱

So now here we are on Lockdown, going back to our natural habitat. Isn't it amazing how much we take for granted? All those personal services we no longer have access to. My mind goes to a certain Naija Z-List celebrity, during a very messy public breakup from his spouse, she alleged that his behaviour was so unreasonable particularly his vanity, apparently this guy was getting his hair trimmed by his barber TWICE week to maintain his baby face fine boy looks 👶🏾. In addition to his vanity shannanigans, he was making nocturnal phone calls as his wife slept, to his side chick who he disguised as a contact on his phone under the pseudo ‘Edible Catering’ 👀 I’m just wondering who is going to contour his fine boy hairline edges now that barbers have downed tools🤔

Likewise ladies with their cornrows under their wigs that have started to turn to ‘dada’ dreadlocks due to lack of care…..How market? 🙋🏾Need I mention groomed acrylic nails, threaded eyebrows and waxes. Found myself in a pickle when in naija when I made the mistake of loosening my plaits and decided to rock my natural hair…..big mistake after the first day the humidity shrank the hair and it started to tangle and I ashamedly admit that as I don't know how to plait hair I started to look untidy as no hairdresser available. I eventually asked a nearby nail technician to come and plait the hair for me. Yes you've read me right, a nail technician! Her plaits were not really neat but the purpose to contain my uncontrollable afro was achieved.

Stores now have tape on the floor as a guide marking the 2 metre distance to be observed between customers. When we walk down the road and you see someone approaching, we quickly move to the other side. For me personally it becomes a game to see who is the first to dodge! Face masks gradually gaining ground here, main advantage with with these is your creditors are unlikely to recognise you. 😷😜

My White Trainer

I saw a meme depicting that previously ‘No phones were allowed inside classroom, but now classroom is now inside the phone’ ☎️  We have parents home schooling their kids, my sister has been run rugged as she creeps around the house trying to be as quiet as possible as her kids attend online classes via video link daily while also attending to their technical glitches.  She has morphed into IT support engineer. 🤓

The lockdown has also brought a number of characters to the forefront, the silent Whatsapp members who had previously watched from the sidelines for years under the pretext that they are busy and ‘in a meeting’ have now started to talk and become active on forums, the social media over sharers have taken it to another level and are sharing more. In Naija some pervy ‘unku’s’ are having a time of their life as bored young ladies take to ‘Instagram Live’ to twerk semi nude. These men egg them on as the girls, wait for it…..pour yoghurt all over themselves  🙈👀😱.
Young ladies please gather here for some aunty Risi advice, remember one day when you are contesting to become Naija’s 1st female president, these your 2020 COVID -19 Twerking Videos are going to resurface and haunt you as we are such an unforgiving patriarchal society.

People who have never engaged in any form of exercise are out and about appreciating nature, boring us silly with their humble brag snapshots of the ‘Proverbial’ 10,000 footsteps they have made each day 🙋🏾😐guilty as charged.

Ladies rumour has it that there are 3 ways one can complete this lockdown i.e. Pregnant, fat or slim. Which one are you?

The term ‘Thank God it's Friday’ is currently redundant as every day now feels like Friday. The world is never going to be the same 🌎

What effect has COVID-19 Lockdown had on you?


E de clear pimple, e dey clear pimple……na so bleaching de start - Pidgin Proverb

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