Hello everyone.... It really is my pleasure to be a guest writer on 'our' Risi By Name (RBN) Blog here today. As I bow and curtsey at the same time, I just feel like I've won the lottery ....without the money. Immediately RBN chose me, I took to the keyboard. Yep....Without a clue of what to write about. I was totally, totally clueless till suddenly I had a brainwave! Anyway, before I chatter on and on and on as I usually do, I thought I had better tell you a little about myself ....
I'm Iya Ibeji (simply means I am the proud mother of a set of twin boys) whom I embarrass at every opportunity. The worst and best thing about me is that I have no sense of shame. Ask Ola! If anything goes wrong I just shake myself and go. Nothing is worth the stress. I can't be asked to think and re-think the situation. My lack of shame leads to my chosen topic for this blog.
Secondly, I am also well known to all and sundry as a total technophobe. Everything technical is a big issue for me. I rely heavily on my children and my ever patient husband. I will be sharing with you cultural mishaps made when I came back to England.
My children put it very aptly by saying I was 'fresh' even better put is 'fresh off the boat'!!
So okay, when I was fresh off the boat ... I can't lie to you people I so 'fumbled'
Everyone makes mistakes when they travel 'oversea' unless you are like my better half who is always cool, calm and collected. I am still waiting several years later for him to spill the beans on the trip-ups he had when he was 'fresh'.....Looks like I'm gonna be waiting for ever!
My first and worst atrocity was that for several years I was unable to queue!
I am from Las Gidi (aka Lagos), The land of 'Get in there fast', 'The land of hustle', The place where 'quick-quick' is worn like a badge of honour. There would be this long queue of people lining up quietly and patiently for the bus and I would suddenly find myself on the bus and seated before you could say 'Baba Suwe' and the worst thing is I would be totally oblivious to all side eyes, rolling eyes and what other funny eyes that my fellow Londoners have!
Now although it has taken me several years to learn, I wait my turn and roll my eyes and 'tut' with the rest of my fellow commuters when a 'homebody' is hustling for a space on the bus.
As lawyers say 'Without prejudice', I say 'Without shame'
I used to be a 'jay walker'!!
For those that don't know, jaywalking is to cross or walk in the road unlawfully or without regard for approaching traffic!
Thank God the Traffic Police weren't arresting on sight! It was a carry over from Nigeria - you know?- Crossing the expressway. I was young, could run and I was quick! Absolutely! When I came here I proceeded to do the same thing. I got some real funny looks from motorists. I finally clued-on. Gosh, I stopped just in time.
I still remember a massive busy red route road I used to jay-walk in the West End, I would duck and dive between oncoming traffic like a Ninja and 'scaling' the bollards like an Olympic 400m relay athlete to get to the other side, but I'm not going to tell you precisely which area this was, I could not even tell Twin 1 on a recent trip there, that this was where his mother used to Jaywalk, In fact I was just giggling to myself at the memory!
Also, as a carry over from Lagos, I still run to cross the road. Twin 1 asks me why I do so, I always reply 'Because I don't want to die' It's true! So I should let car 'jam'(hit) me abi? Abeg, don't laugh, everyone with his own o! Twin 2 is very aware of this and simply grabs me firmly by the wrist to prevent my running anytime I'm about to cross a road with him as he has no time for nonsense!
I have stopped running at zebra crossings but I tend to hurry because 'they' are waiting. Remember back in Nigeria, motorists have no patience for pedestrians. So if a car stops for you, you must show respect and run and not forgetting to shout "thank you o"!
I have also been banned by both Twin 1 and Twin 2 from running for the bus. However I stopped not because of my children's moaning but mainly because of the looks I get from people on the bus. You know that sympathetic look of "sorry chucks" in Cilla Black's voice. "another one'll be up shortly" Hehehe!! "You can take the girl out of Africa but you can't take Africa out of the girl"
One occasion I mislaid my travel card... So I approached one of the underground staff "excuse me I left my "particulars" at home, what do I do?" I was so late for work. He replied "What particulars are we talking about luv?"
I'm not sure if I have ever used the word 'particulars' out aloud since that day.
A friend of mine started a teaching job through recruitment agency, they messed up her first months wages badly and a member of staff took it upon himself to sort it out for her. In appreciation, true Naija style, she put a 'token amount' in a envelope to give to the staff who promptly returned it to her with a curt "If you want to give money out, love, give it to charity" which translates to "I am only doing my job".
The Deputy head at the school where I worked came into school un-characteristically dressed from head to toe in black, without thinking I said to her "who died?"
You know a little bit of banter as by this time I'd been here for a while and I felt assimilated into the British culture, I was actually joking, you know, trying to get familiar! Quick as a flash she replies "Me Nan"!! I could have died with the nan! Trust me I refused to show any embarrassment but carried myself with the all the dignity I could muster, said my condolences and made my way to my class room where I proceeded to beat myself up well and proper!
Now if anyone likes they can wear whatever colour for the rest of their lives... Like I care? I remember telling this story to RBN on the day it happened and she screaming "no, it is a lie." How I wish it had been!
I put my money in the bank, like you do! To now take it out come and see big wahala! I usually visited the bank during working days, no problem there. This particular day was a Saturday and this was way before the modern days of Saturday banking became the norm. I needed to take a sum of money out. No problem there. The main 'exam' was I couldn't get into the bank as the doors were locked, even though I could see it was business as usual through the window! I went back to where hubby was parked, he told me I needed to swipe the card at the main door to gain entrance. I tried it just didn't work for me.
This man came along, swiped his card and the bank door opened, I just positioned myself behind him, up real close and personal you would have thought he was "backing" me just so I could enter the bank with him, poor man thought I was about to rob him. He reached for his mobile phone (could have been worse) I quickly turned on my 'fish and chips' accent ...."You alrigh" The British cockney accent always works a treat!
Today I have totally been assimilated into the British society ... No one does it as well as me, I fit into the British Nigerian category, Black British category, Black British other, Prefer not to say and can even stretch to British British. I tick every box!
So enough of my freshness! How fresh were you guys?
The flip side of this coin is my leaving the cloudy shores of UK and fitting in Naija. A story for another day!
Here's one to you, Thanking God It's Friday and wishing you guys a great weekend.
And before I hand the Baton back to Risi By Name, Iya Ibeji's quote for the day is:
Ti ewe ba pe l'ara ose, a di ose (If leaves are left on black soap, they soon become soap ~ African Proverb)
33 comments:
Iya ibeji oooooo!!! You are just too funny!!!! What a
way to start the weekend. *holding sides and wiping tears of laughter*
Iya Ibeji
LOL!!!!!'
Don't mind that foolish station attendant, he does not appreciate a good thing, Feel free to send me your 'particulars' any day.
My first comment disappeared. Not happy at all. Tola
Hilarious! The highlights for me were the 'particulars' and 'Me Nan' stories
Oh those poor twins!
Personal question do they have an Idowu and Alaba?
Hehehehehehehehehehe! This is extremely hilarious. A very big round of applause for Iya Ibeji.
Firstly - well done to Iya Ibeji for a really good guest blog! You were brave to talk about your 'fresh of the boat' moves! Most of us would deny such happenings for fear of embarrassment!
Like most of the readers of this blog - I am a product born in this country - but again like most, I spent my formative years in Nigeria. I had so much fun! Anyway all good things come to an end and shortly after Uni I relocated back to London. I remember one such 'fresh of the boat' incident a few days after arriving in London. My mother was working at the time and asked me to run some errands locally while she was away. I was a bit sceptical about going out on my own at this stage- but I was an adult and decided 'no big deal'! I got myself all dolled up and ready to go - until I looked out of the window only to see a very long haired Rasta sitting outside on a wall. I cannot begin to describe the fear that gripped me - as I had spent the last eleven years in Niger with people telling me that people with such hair were 'mad people'and now I have been asked to walk pass one. I had visions of me running for my life as his madness took hold! I called my brother in a blind panic (brother did not relocate to Niger like me so is a complete Oyinbo),after he picked himself off the floor from laughing - he said that Rasta's were the least of my problems as they are very peace loving individuals. I departed the house shortly after - smiling sweetly at Rasta man as I passed him without a care in the world - well that is what it looked like!!!
On another note - Risi - would you please recount for your blog your fresh motorway moves you told me about a few years ago. To date, whenever I remember the story - I shudder at how you got away with it without serious incident!!!!!
This is too funny.
I am looking forward to reading many more stories.
I remember once while 'gisting' with some oyibo colleagues at work. We were discussing gardening and one of my work mates mentioned her apple tree and it's yield that year.
Yours truly, in fake ajebo accent: OMG, Teresa. You have an apple tree in your house?
Teresa, in confused indignation: Noooooooooooo. I have an apple tree, IN MY GARDEN.
SHAME!!!!!!!! I wanted to die.
The worst part of the story? I wasn't even that fresh. I had lived in the UK for nearly 20 years.
Okay, everybody. Reveal all and make our collective weekends.
Iya Ibeji ermmm...
I have one small problem!
Now that you've covered every bloggable subject matter under the sun here today, WHAT HAVE YOU LEFT FOR ME TO BLOG ABOUT IN FUTURE?????
Risi,
Hope you are aware that typing in upper case can be construed as shouting??
BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT IYA IBEJI, I AM SHOUTING!!!!
Oh my word!! This need a title fast - memoirs of a JJC :)
RBN you might need to employ Iya Ibeji, she probably still has some more left in there.
Iya Ibeji like we say in Nigeria - "you are strolling on zebra xrossing, when I jam you, you will tell me if you are a zebra". Abeg don't stop running oo
You did well Iya Ibeji and yes we miss you RBN
Please I'm h'only h'asking quesion but what is a JJC?
Ke!ke!ke I mean laugh! Laugh!
Iya Ibeji by her own admission is a "jaywalking, shameless freshie without particulars" O ma she O!
Upon all my gritting teeth (fun eyin po) to speak English, some things cannot be hidden.
I did a part-time job with Sainsbury and we were given training to know fruit and vegetables that are unusual. They showed us a tuber which looked like a "cocoyam" and I called it so.
The trainer who was West Indian promptly said "you would say so"
Alas it was an "Eddoe" not a cocoyam.
By the way, mother of 2 bonboys, more elbow to your grease (aka more grease to your elbow)
Mama Arinze!
What happens on The Motorway 'stays' on The Motorway!!
Thanks for sharing your fresh experience. I cant believe it, true you can't take out the African girl in you.
Looking forward to the Nigeria version .
Love your blog RBN 😚
Www.misykona.com
Memoirs Of A JJC:
When I first came to 'd London' all the way from Las Gidi, imagine the palaver of living with an aunt that only served a miserly 2 slices of bread for 'breakfasz'
So here was this 'babe' that could swallow a whole loaf of Agege bread with about 12 akara squashed inside without breaking wind looking at this early morning appetiser, it did not even scratch the surface!!
As soon as I got out of the house I would branch and buy a loaf of bread stuff in hand bag and start eating.
10 years on when I'm offered more than 1 slice of bread, I put my nose up, wave hands and say ' oh I don't really do carbs!!!
Really Aunty, since when?
My fresh off the boat faux pas is almost unforgivable. One of my colleagues had a medical condition which gave a massive stomach, she looked like she was 6/7 months pregnant.
When I initially started in the office, I asked another colleague when the baby was due. She looked at me sharply and told me the lady had been like that for years!
I just thought this evil "baba alawo" were operating in England as well!
After all only "baba alawo" can stop a woman giving birth for years.
Mama Ibeji is such a funny one.
I can't stop laughing. I was the same when I first came to this country years ago. I was afraid to go places or do things on my own. For the simple fear of not being able to understand what was being said or how things were done. My solution to the problem was to wait patiently and watch and I would then do whatever I needed to do. I will watch carefully, listen carefully and then make my move. I just could not stand the embarrassment of getting it wrong. What I could not get my head around especially was seeing young boys speaking to 'themselves'. That was when speaker phones were invented. I always said to myself, why are all these young boys going 'mad', always speaking to themselves? I later discovered that I was the mad one, it was the age of technology. I was behind the times. God help me. I can assure you that I am no longer that way inclined.Though I am still trying to move with the times, eventually I will get there.
Happy weekend and we l look forward to reading from Iya Ibeji and Haja Risi next Jimoh. Insha Allah or IJN. Amen.
God bless you Iya Ibeji. I thought I was the only freshie that ever came to town. Firstly, let me congratulate you for having twins. I have always been an ardent fans of twins but every time I mention it to my dear wife, I end up sleeping on the sofa for the next six weeks. She is always telling me that two kids with six years gap in between them are more than enough for us (here I am, what can I do than to maintain orderliness).
I went through and I still go through same experience as Iya Ibeji whenever I go out with my kids.
On the third day I arrived from Naija, I decided to take a trip to a cousin's house. I got off the bus on Kingsland Road in Dalston trying to navigate my bearings, just across the road I saw people crowding round a point, so I thought somebody has been involved in an accident. I quickly crossed over to see if I could help or show my heroic mannerism. But getting there all I could see was a dog on the floor. Obviously, what came to my mind would have offended animal lovers
Iya Ibeji well done, i had my experience in the midlands when i wondered why i was called duck as they kept on saying alright duck. I then heard variations with luv, pet said with that distinct midland accent supposedly a term of endearment
i love nandos
Anonymous I love Nandos, too funny. It reminds me of my friend's daughter when she was a freshie in Glasgow.
She had requested the bus driver tell her when the bus got to a certain place. When the bus got there, the driver called out to her Las-sie, Las-sie, she saw no dog around (lassie come-home) and just stared ahead, until the bus driver got out of his cab to tap her on the shoulder.
Lo and behold she was Lassie the collie dog.......young girls are called LASS/LASSIE in Glasgow!
Iya Ibeji! Iya ibeji!! Iya ibeji!!!! You are a legend!!!!! See how all these our people are posing! No one seems to be as brave as you! I will share my own little experience, not very little at the time and could have but a big stop on my papers. I was head of a unit. I called my unit for a meeting as I had found out about a rival unit . I started the meeting with the words "jake( group leader) has exposed himself to me. Come and see looks of disgust, shock , horror and not to mention a few looks of admiration from the younger girls . I was totally oblivious until an elderly lady said "should we call the police?" Just like Iya Ibeji I refuse till today to use the word expose. See how we use the word expose in Nigeria o!! Very wrong!!! Now several years later I can laugh about it!
Years ago, my cousin , other family members and I visited London on holiday. We were one of the lucky ones, we visited every summer holiday and we had fun. During our holiday, we visited 10 Downing Street and took photographs with the Police man minding the door, we visited Trafalgar Square and took photographs with the birds, visited the Zoo and the highlight of our holiday was the Nittinghill Carnival. We will take photos and do 'shakara' to our friends and neighbours who were not privileged to travel abroad like we did. My cousin and I then decided to visit our aunt who resided in Hampstead. When we got to the front door, we pressed the door bell, we waited and there was no response, tried again and we waited but there was no response. My cousin then said to me, 'Abi NEPA ti mu ino lo'. JJC. That was really funny and I was not expecting that. I said to my cousin that they do not experience power failure in this country. She was shocked. This visit was my cousin's first visit outside of Nigeria. Really fresh from the boat.
Iya Ibeji o! Na wa o! So glad I nominated you o! Knew you would be up to the task. I haven't laughed so much in ages. But what I really want to know is the twins reaction to this write up. You will share with us? Promise? Bet that is a comedy all on its own! I do have a very fresh story of my own to share but will share later. Busy weekend syndrome.
Iya Ibeji, I love this article. The life of jonnny just come no easy for this place
Nice one, no complain. Deji
Hilarious! I cant stop laughing. Mama ibeji should join the comedy club. I salute your courage. A lot of us are not as bold to admit our JJC experience but we all had gone through same or similar experience as fresher (JJC) in foreign land.
Haha! Nice one aunty! Very funny
Much like my own mother except she has not come out of this even after 10 years here. Very funny aunty! Keep up the good work!!!
Hi people am sorry am posting my comment this late, it's been one of those times that you ask yourself 'wetin make me come this COUNTRY (please notice say I dey shout and I dey shout well well), if I dey ja I for get many helpers(clearners, cook, drivers you name it)those who knows me go know why this week has be hard for me. Any way back to the blog this JJC matter
As for me I nor shame to say my JJC still dey as far as my children are concern but I nor get time now to discuss am as see the time! you see wetin I talk if I dey 9ja time nor for mean any thing to me.
NA me again oh MOE wen tire
Didnt see that coming with the Nan story , Lol.
The most recent thing that happened in our household was my mum who comes to visit from Nigeria regularly , on this occassion went to the village store to buy a Lebara top up voucher for her phone. She recounted what had transpired in the shop saying how rude the shop attendant had been to her. And the story goes like this: The man handed her the voucher and she then said to him to 'load' the credit on her phone. Man said he was busy but my mum was adamant that he should load the credit as she didnt want to get home and find out that the voucher was invalid!
Post a Comment