OYA GIFT, PUT OFF THE LIGHT O....

                           

I'm going to do things in reverse order this week and sort out housekeeping before the 'main d main' (main subject matter). A big thank you for all feedback, comments raised by my last post "More Than a Match....' 

Organ donation within the black community, what a discussion. Hopefully what Dela, Tayo and myself set out to achieve was accomplished. 

Now this may sound a bit like deja vu, but there I was the other day doing what I do best in my spare time, looking at my contacts display pictures, yes I know!! < Insert 'get a life' emoticon> and I spot a pic of a lady on a 'sister from another mother's' profile. Accompanied with the words "Ele toh badt, happy birthday to you"

Hmmm, now how do I interpret that phrase 'Ele toh badt'? I'd say literally it means "Girl you're not doing too bad" in other words "Girl you're looking good" it's a Yoruba idiomatic expression with the word 'bad' corrupted and swapped for 'badt' with the "t" added at the end in typical Yoruba style, you know the same way that we phonetically pronounce every single letter in our words, like adding the silent  't' in the word 'listen'? Please don't get me started!

Those that know of this phrase may have different thoughts, some consider it to be somewhat "razz" (street) and not really a term to be used by 'cool' people.  I PERSONALLY like it though, just a pity most of the meaning is lost in translation. To appreciate how this phrase is used, you need to visualise a group of ladies all dressed up and 'good to go' and then one babe turns up, dressed to the hilt, gele (head wrap) layered, lippy, powder set-matt on face, eye makeup, eyebrow game forever strong and on point, everything is just 'tapping' 'reporting' and 'intact'!

As she enters the room if her girlfriends were to say 'Oh Arike you look so nice' that's Oyinbo repètè (too much grammar) and doesn't really cut it. But rather if they start yelling  'Omo ele toh badt' with a husky Yoruba 'haccent', it's kinda puts the icing and cherry on the cake. And there is no need for further description!

So there I was jisting with this my 'sister from another Moda' telling her that I liked her use of this phrase. She's like 'really Aunty Ola??' I replied "yes" and explain further that I could even possibly consider changing the name of Risi By Name Blog to "Ele Toh Badt Blog". She keeps silent for a while before asking "you are joking? " And when I reply no I wasn't. She then lets it all out, pulling no punches! She 'warns' me not to even think about it. That yes it was a fun slang but definitely not suitable as blog name. I back down and tell her I was only joking (was I though?!)

Anyway 'as per usual' yes it"s a slippery slope, we start to reel off other slangs used to describe a nice looking woman, like 

"Haa, see how your body fine like takeaway", self explanatory unless maybe you're on a healthy eating plan and 'takeaway" is not your fav thing!

 Or 'I love this your photo like 'kilode' 

Kilode in Yoruba means 'what's wrong' or 'what's the matter', so basically one is saying they like your photo so much that they lack words ie indescribably!

I then jist her about a fav adjective my sister-in-law uses to define someone looking nice , she'll say "ah you look like 'potato', this my sis asks 'what does she mean by that that?', I say isn't obvious that 'potato' signifies something nice, she begs to differ and says personally she would prefer to be likened to 'yam' as yam goes much better with egg and 'sandine' Yes this our conversation is so intellectual!

Conversation slips further and now we are now exploring what a Naija man defines as beauty in 'our' women or the qualities they prefer. At this point in time I cite the caveat emptor.... "Opinions expressed in this blog....blah di blah....all men look away now!

Of course we have to give this our 'broda' a name, we debate whether to call him Alao, Nnamdi or Yusuf and decide we don't want to cause offence so we settle for a somewhat neutral non-tribalistic name 'Felix'.

So here we have Felix describing his 'Bae' that's the new slang for 'Babe' by the way, don't ask me why as makes no sense to me either! It's a bit like how term of endearment for a guy has become 'Boo' or if you wanna sound French 'le boo' <insert puke bucket emoticon>

We have trend on Naija's social media recently with too many articles circulating giving advice on 'How a Naija man should 'purportedly' be treated by a woman', these articles have been written by men for men, we have a few of them misinterpreting The Bible to buttress their weak points with their all time favourite being............wait for it:

"Wives submit yourselves unto your husbands' as unto The Lord" Ephesians 5:22

I laugh in Ijebu as I write, thinking of one of my readers their body will be 'scratching' them as they cannot wait to give their own analysis of this bible verse. 

The worst article I've read so far though, has to be "How To Please A Nigerian Man" penned by former Naija singer now self proclaimed journalist who goes by the name  "Etcetera". The guy is such a wind up, his fav pastime is lashing out at Naija celebrities. Sometime ago he wrote a derogatory article about Naija artist, Tiwa Savage, she gave it back to him though. In her rejoinder, she started off by asking who the hell was he anyway?  Etcetera? Comma, Full stop, hash tag or whatever he purports his name to be!!! . 

Anyway this 'unku' appears to have now repackaged himself into relationship counsellor! This his latest article is so chauvinistic that I cannot even justify it with a hyperlink, so if you're having a particularly good day and want to ruin it, get annoyed and angry, then kindly feel free to google it!

This our Broda Felix is not one of 'those' types, he's just a local champ minding his business that would like to share his definition of a fine girl and explain what actually 'floats his boat"! 

He has a number of main chicks and side chicks that he juggles, each of them have different qualities that attract him to them. 

Felix loves his 'Bae' to preferably be yellow in colour (fair skinned). He will even use the defunct words 'half-caste" or 'Mullato' rather than 'mixed race' or 'bi-racial', when he wants to show-off to his friends. When he goes to visit her as she opens the door, her little dog (it's a poodle) comes jumping out at him, rubbing it's dirty stained paws onto Felix white starched brocade trousers, (this white brocade has a slight blue ting to it!! who remembers 'Robin's blue' that we used after laundering white cloths back in the day? Please what was that all about?? and do people still use it?) in his head Felix would be kicking the dog (animal rights, no offence meant!) but rather he 'comports' himself to pose for 'Bae' and 'form' that he is a animal lover and says 'hey doggy' (expecting Felix to remember that dog's name is actually 'Bingo' would be asking for too much') as he strokes it! Gritting his teeth as he does. 

From there Felix visits Bae Number two, she's a favourite of his, it's her "R" and 'H' affliction that does it for him. 

For sake of clarity those that have The "R" Affliction have difficulty or are unable to pronounce the letter "R" for some reason they pronounce the letter as "w". Oyinbo man has a medical term for this 'disorder', it's called 'Rhotacism' (trust me, ask google!!) Likewise some people for the life of them do not know how to use the letter "H" they either drop the letter from their words or add it where it does not belong!

As soon as 'Le boo' Felix arrives at her door, rather than welcoming him with a "Hey boo (not oloribu!), I'm very happy to see you, enter the house now, I've cooked some fried rice and rabbit for you' 

she'll say  'ey baby, I'm vewwy 'appy to see you, henter the 'ouse now, I've cooked some Fwied wice and wabbit for you'. For reasons best known to Felix he finds this ever so endearing and sexy!! 

It's a long day for Felix and he still has few more stops to make he 'branches' to see 'Bae 3' the main attraction here are her gapped teeth (parted teeth) that do it for him!  Funny however this side of the pond, parted teeth are seen as a dental disorder that needs to be 'fixed', 'they' even refer to it as a 'condition' and have christened it as 'diastema'.  Someone I know came over here for some dental work and was horrified to find upon completion of her dental work and braces were removed, the gap between her two front teeth had disappeared!!! She cried for days, trying to explain to the orthodontist she was literally finished as it was these parted teeth that had made her such a 'hot cake' over the years!! 

So all fine ladies that have that lovely highly sought 'eji' (parted teeth), 'they say' you have diastema!!  I wonder how many 'I reject it' I've just got there? Don't shoot the messenger Oooo, no be me talk am...na the orthodontist!

Felix now makes his final call at  'Bae 4' place, and as she opens the door he notices she's wearing jeans. Felix is livid, 'Bae you knew I was coming why are you 'on' jeans' he shouts.

"Boo don't vex you've come much earlier than I expected I'll go and change, but first babe let me clean that dirty patch on your white trousers" as she kneels down before him with bowl of soap and water and starts scrubbing, "what happen here honey" she asks. Felix replies, "Bae why you dey question me like this now, abeg just clean the thing" (chei see how woman don suffer!?). 

When Bae eventually cleans the 'mystery' brown patch from his trousers, she changes her clothes and emerges from bedroom 'on' mini skirt. Felix squints as he tries to focuses on her legs and asks "Bae what has happened to your legs", she replies "legs like how?" He asks her to 'draw' closer and touches her legs; shock, horror they are smooth as glass!! "Oh boo, my friend has introduced me to hair removal cream, all that nasty hair on my legs has now gone" she explains

At this point in time, Felix puts his head in hands and starts crying. Can anyone guess what his attraction with this Bae was???

Here Endeth The Lesson.

Ladies, Ele's or Bae's, just be yourselves. One man's meat.....

Boo's keep reppin'

So what happens after President-Elect's inauguration on Friday?? Let's watch this space. 

Have a great weekend and thanks for your custom. 

And in case you're wondering about title of this post please tap here

You become like the five people you spend most time with. Choose carefully ~ Unknown