BIG BROTHER'S WATCHING US!

                    

                  

                      

I went shopping the other day and as I was walking back to the car, I noticed the driver's side had been "keyed". 

For the sake of clarity "Car Keying" is the act of intentionally scraping the sharper point of an object, usually a key though, across the windshield or door of a car, leaving a large long scratch in the paint and a costly repair. Often performed in anger or spite it's a form of vandalism.  

So you can only imagine my annoyance as I throw the shopping to the ground, flour, eggs, oil everything 'come scatter-scatter!' I bend down to assess the damage on the body work (a bit like a Naija 'Panel beater') and started cussing, under my breath of course as on this side of the pond any 'drama' or public display of anger' is frown upon and would only be met with disdain by on-lookers. They would glance nervously at you then quickly look away to avoid any eye contact, then cross to the other side of the road to put as much distance between themselves and you, fearing for their safety and possibly worried for your well being. They just don't like to get involved!

If you make too much noise and they feel you are particularly disturbed, one concerned random person could possibly get on the phone to emergency services and before you can say "Jack Robinson" (Please somebody help me, who was this 'Jack' of a somebody??) police and some men in 'white coats' have carted you off for psychiatric evaluation (Sincere apologies to my brother 'Ak' on that one, due to nature of his work he does not take kindly to any trivialisation of Mental Health issues be they direct or veiled and this is not my intention!)

GUEST BLOG APPEARANCE BY IYA IBEJI

                                   

Hello everyone.... It really is my pleasure to be a guest writer on 'our' Risi By Name (RBN) Blog here today. As I bow and curtsey at the same time, I just feel like I've won the lottery ....without the money. Immediately RBN chose me, I took to the keyboard. Yep....Without a clue of what to write about. I was totally, totally clueless till suddenly I had a brainwave! Anyway, before I chatter on and on and on as I usually do, I thought I had better tell you a little about myself .... 

I'm Iya Ibeji (simply means I am the proud mother of a set of twin boys) whom I embarrass at every opportunity. The worst and best thing about me is that I have no sense of shame. Ask Ola! If anything goes wrong I just shake myself and go. Nothing is worth the stress. I can't be asked to think and re-think the situation. My lack of shame leads to my chosen topic for this blog.

BACK TO MY ROOTS!

                                  

If only I could be given a fifty pound note for each time I've been asked "Ola how come you're the only one among your siblings that does not have a Muslim name?"

Brace yourself guys, it's complicated!

As a child from that era, all emphasis on the phrase 'that era', before some of you start to bring out your abacus, cowrie shells or calculator to do the math and calculate my age, I assure you it was A.D though!

I was my parents first born child and they christened me with the beautiful Muslim name "Risikatu".

It was very common back then for Our Naija parents that came over here to engage the services of 'nannies' to help with child care to enable them focus on their studies.

These nannies were mainly British and the child care arrangements were live-in. So basically the way it worked was I went to live with this nanny (may her soul rest in peace) and her young daughter at her home in Kent. While my parents studied in London. I'm not really sure of the logistics as I was so young ( I was a cutie, short, round, rocking a mini Afro as my nanny could never manage my kinky hair!)

A PICTURE SPEAKS A THOUSAND WORDS......

                      

I woke up one day this week and after 'all protocols have been observed', I started one of my fav pastimes i.e. nosing through contacts on my Blackberry and Whatsapp contacts list!

Looking at my own profile and frowning at necklace I'd worn in my DP (display picture), it looked a bit crooked and I'm thinking to myself, I could have used a better pic (yes I know, vanity upon vanity, all is vanity!!)

I continue to scroll taking it all in, one pic of someone looking really 'fit' all that gym activity is paying off!, another and I'm thinking 'Haba, this girl don yellow finish, which cream she dey rub?' Next is the scene of a leafy destination birthday party everyone wearing fedora hats, pouting, with their tummy's pulled in and another of an old acquaintance that has lost a lot of weight, I look at the pic and wonder what diet is she on now? Cabbage soup, Atkins or the 5:2 fasting diet? We have a few happy couples looking into each others eyes dreamily, ever so obvious they are in love and then I scroll further down the list. I have a few mysterious contacts with no pics at all or if there is a pic it's just a random image like of a flower, dog or cat and I'm thinking, but why? What's the point in that? Give us a glimpse into your life now!!

(I now brace myself for the awkward moment when I wake tomorrow morn and notice I have no Blackberry or Whatsapp contacts, as you guys have either blocked or deleted me!!!)

Anyway, I continue to scroll through for something that catches my fancy, 'ah-ah what's this?' I sit up in my bed, adjust myself, squint at screen and zoom in, it's the image at the top of this post. I start to ponder.....

And what does Good Friday mean to you?

Successful writing is not made of what is in it, but what's left out of it ~ Mark Twain

AUTHORITY STEALING!!!

Short video clip of Fela Anikulapo-kuti

DOUBLE WAHALA FOR DEADI BODY, YEPA!

 

                     

All week I was unsure whether I really wanted to post in the run up to Nigeria's Presidential Election coming up this weekend. I really could not be asked, but then I thought to myself 'Don't be a kill-joy'

From the archives of Google I dug up a patriotic image of a "Keep Calm And Love Naija" meme, all dressed up in green, white and green. I then pasted it at the top of this post. It looked ever so cute! Yes, you've read me right, the word "Naija" and "Cute" used in the same paragraph!!!!

I then started to write about my take on this 'election matter on ground', I wrote a few lines, scratched my head, then deleted. Took a break, ate 2 chocolate digestive biscuits (yeah right, who eats only 2??), drank a bottle of malt, watched TV came back to the blog started again, this time wrote 2 paragraphs, I read over it sounded fake as they come, so I deleted that as well. This vicious cycle continued for a whole day. At this point in time it's official, this blogging thingy is not by fire by force!

LEVELS DON CHANGE!

I was chatting with one of my oldest friends 'Tee' the other day, (oldest in the sense that I've known her for a very long time rather than oldest in 'age' before she has my head!) We were doing what we do best 'reminiscing'.

We were talking about one of my mum's favourite sayings:

"Twenty children cannot play for twenty years" literally what she meant was if a group of 20 children started out as friends.....roll on 20 years, there would have been some fallouts, some would have moved away, family commitments blah di blah, hence the group would decrease in number.

Our mum often used this phrase when we were growing up to buttress her point anytime we were disappointed by a friend, to encourage us to be more independent and less reliant on others.

THE MICROWAVE!

       

I showed image at the top of this post to a little 4 year old I know and asked him what it was, he replied "it's a microwave". I told him it was actually a TV and went on to explain that back in the 'olden' days that's what they looked like.

The way things are going, very soon none of the youngsters will know what a TV is  because watching programmes on laptops, hand held devices and smart phones has become the norm.

In fact, here's a test case: Send a child on an errand '"Go and get 'Grandma' 'tablet' from her bedroom" (you know we tend to drop the letter 'S' from our words, neither do we use the word 'please'!) 30 minutes later this child would not have come back as they are under the bed looking for the non-existent, small touchscreen computer rather than Grandma's 'Panadol' right there on the bedside table under their nose.

MIND YOUR LANGUAGE!

Last week Friday after posting my latest blog, I was on the phone chatting with my friend 'Abeni', some of you may have read about her in a previous post of mine My People Don Reach Here! and picked up on her being somewhat uptight and highly strung! 

Anyway she had just read my post and was giving me some constructive feedback, one point led to another and "as per usual" before we knew it we had gone off on a tangent, both of us in hysterics as she jisted me about an incidence that happened some years ago involving her daughter who had been about 5 years old at the time. 

And this is how this true life story unfolds,

YESTERDAY YOU SAID TOMORROW!

                          

The random 'Selfie' at the top of post is my attempt at keeping fit this 2015 by walking to work every morning rather than taking the car (Yes, I am aware that my mates run marathons!)

The colour of my trainers is obviously co-ordinated with my lipstick.

Kindly excuse fashion faux pas of combining trainers with tights as this matter has been resolved with an extra pair of office shoes in handbag. You may thank me for this useful piece of information at a later date!

We're into the 9th week of the year, things may have started to slide.

All those new year resolutions;

SPECIAL POST FOR OME @ 18

Ome Kokoricha (with the lovely smile and blue dress) turned 18 on 13th February. Mum (aka MOE, Minister Of Enjoyment ) and dad celebrated with a thanksgiving this Sunday. 

Ome baby thanks we had so much fun, your Britney Spears & Beyoncé Tribute were really 'Turn Up'.

The Girls say 'have an A-Troupe birthday' & also send the coded words 'Eldon & Chris' to you. They say you'll understand (you kids and all your slangs!)

I hope we 'random' aunties and uncles were not too embarrassing!

Love you loads Xxxx

Akpevwe, why are you stealing the limelight and 'hugging' your sister's cake?

MOE, your banga soup plus 'swallow' na die!!!

MID-WEEK RANDOM POST!

  

Hi folk, this is a first. 

I had not planned to post this week, I was going to take the easy option with my excuse being that it's half term. Pathetic excuse though, as it's not as if my 17 and 15 year old are babies, they very much do their own thing. I just stay at home out of habit with them, while they ignore me and wonder 'why is this woman at home, hugging the remote control?' 

Sorry to digress but while on the subject of 'hugging' why do our people love the rude phrase 'go and hug a transformer' when 'cussing' people out?

Anyway as I try to hold on to the last of my youth by engaging in up-to-date-hippy banter with my girls,

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT!

                                    

Oh dear, it's that time of the year again, love is in the air, St.Valentine lands at the stroke of midnight. The kata-kata this guy will cause na wa!!! 

There will be proposals of marriage, love will be re-ignited, the day will mark the start of many relationships and the end of a few, (research has it that February 15th is International Break-up day, as couples would have had the opportunity to re-evaluate their relationships on Valentine's day and summon up courage to call it quits the next day. So much for useful facts of the day!).

KEEPING UP WITH THE BALOGUNS!

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery ~ Charles Calab Colton

I came across a different spin on this famous quote the other day that made me smile and gave me a 'light bulb' moment, it read something like this:

"Though imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery it often means that you lack personality, talent and creativity so kindly stop before you hurt yourself!"

'Follow-Follow' mentality is widespread amongst our people. It is the comparison to one's neighbour as a benchmark for social class or the accumulation of material goods. Failing to 'Keep up with the Baloguns' occurs when we are more concerned about our standard of living in relation to our peers or neighbours.

MY PEOPLE DON REACH HERE!

I look at the image at top of this post and I'm thinking this is possibly the least aesthetically pleasing image I've posted to the date.

Or maybe I'm wrong, while some may look at this half eaten meal and their mouth starts to drool with hunger others may think 'yuck, how disgusting what's that heap of white congealed gunk doing on the plate besides those black things with that greenish slimey gooey stuff'. One thing for sure though is the image will bring different thoughts to different people.

You obviously know where I'm going with this one!

Yes 'my people' have arrived

BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER THAT'S WHY!

                    

I visited a garden centre over the summer hols where they had a wide range of fridge magnets with comical and inspirational messages accompanied by a lovely picture. The image at the top of this post is the one that caught my fancy and which I bought for the following reason:

Where I come from (a phrase you folk will be hearing constantly on this blog!) the word 'mother' when used as in the above message can be swapped with any of these other words; father, auntie, uncle, teacher, older sister/brother or elder. In full context message would read like

this ' Because I am your elder that's why your argument is invalid, so don't even think of questioning me or arguing with me' These words could be spoken to a child, young person, teenager or adult depending on the circumstances. As a matter of fact the words do not even need to be spoken, they can be acted out and I'm going to display this by sharing a true life experience with you.

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES!

All characters referred to in this blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Hi folk, sorry to burst your bubble but the above historic legal disclaimer does not apply to this blog! Yes, I shall endeavour not to mention anyone's name in my posts unless with their expressed consent, this however is the real world, true life story and my hopes are that all

my 'one of my friends', 'this my uncle' 'that my Aunty', 'nerdy mentor', 'my besto' or 'that my fav cousin' are able to recognise as your characters may pop up every now and again. Hopefully on such occasions you'll be flattered, amused or God-forbid embarrassed!

HAVE ONE ON ME!

Deep breath and here goes my first post.

I feel that I communicate better in writing than verbally and that's the motivation for starting this blog. Mental stimulation is so important to me and my hopes for the future are to entertain, thought-provoke and inspire people. Starting this blog will also serve as a learning curve for me as I've never been active on any social media platform.


I'm not IT savvy and cringingly admit that in this 21st Century I've had to engage the help of my daughter to set up this blog for me and after a lot of huffing and puffing from her I've been warned that I'm never to mention her or her sister's name in any of future posts, neither am I to embarrass them in any shape or form. I dutifully agreed to these terms as Beggars Can't Be Choosers! 

My plan is to ensure in the course of writing this blog I wean myself off my technical dependency of those girls. My first single-handed task was to paste the image of those box of chocolates at the top of this post where it is, it would have been easier and faster to have asked the girls to show me how, but my pride would not let me. I persevered, achieved and I applaud myself. 

Feel free to have a choc on me!

So folk here goes, I hope you enjoy this ride with me