GUEST BLOG BY FOLUKE GABRIEL: TO KNEEL OR NOT TO KNEEL?

Hello Readers, I’m excited about this opportunity to guest blog on this forum. Let me start with a health warning as this piece may seriously damage your health, if ingested please stay on the line for one week and usual transmission will resume with Risi By Name and further instructions, compensation or refunds are a possibility!

When RBN first asked me to guest blog, I thought to myself “I have a lot to say because I like the sound of my own voice and I am a firm believer in blowing your trumpet lest it becomes rusty from lack of use"

The issue though “Is anyone interested in what I have to say”.

So wetin go interest my people?

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

             

In case you're wondering, this is how this one goes down.

Those of you that know me, will be aware that my dad has been with us on a visit from Nigeria. It has been so much fun having him around, I literally hugged him all to myself for the duration of his visit. 

'Anyways' about a month ago I got a call from a friend of mine, Clementina, (see previous post about her here) she tells me I should stop all my stinginess and share my dad around. I was kind of miffed and wondering where she was going with this one! She then goes ahead to give me a date and asks whether dad will be available on this day, being that she's given us a full month's notice nothing had been planned so I tell her 'yes'. She says that's fine and in that case she has only one favour to ask of me, Can I make my garden available to her on the day?

Now I'm getting a bit worried and ask her what is she planning, she tells me not to bother my pretty head (well she didn't actually refer to my head as being pretty, but I think it sounds nice written like that!). She tells me she will pop around on the day and have 'small' BBQ for dad and that I should invite my brothers and she has the 'girls' on board. 

By the girls she's referring to our friends Uloma, 'Abeni' and Ada.

WE'RE ALL GOING ON A SUMMER HOLIDAY!

    

Hi there, it's that time of the year again, August month of holiday 'don come'. Our people have arrived for 'summer' Don't you just love it? 

Well I do anyway! Arik Air, Virgin Atlantic and British Airways flying in live and direct from Naija left, right and centre. Then we have the beloved KLM, Air France, Turkish, Emirates, Kenya, Ethiopia and other airlines that do 'that little detour' before they reach 'our backyard aka L'abroad' The UK. 

As you pull up at The Arrivals Short Term Car park London, Heathrow (praying you have the right Terminal) no pressure, you are literally 'on timer' as the clock starts ticking; 1st hour parking £6.50, 2-3 hours £10.50, 2-3 hours £13.00, 3-4 hours  £17.00, 4-5 hours £21.00 and so on and so forth. But we're not fussed are we? After all there is no way Mammi, Popsie, In-law, Besto, Cousin, Friend, Boo, Bae or Foe will have anything to declare, so clearing immigration should be a doodle and speedy process right? <quick glance sideways>

We look at our wristwatch, synchronise time with parking ticket and if you're anything like me start sprinting towards the Arrivals lounge, as for 'me and my house' £10.50 is the max, there is no way I want to pay more than that for any airport parking runs!

GUEST BLOG BY WILLIAM IFEANYI MOORE: MAXIMUM SPEND

                    

                            

Hi guys, I wonder why it feels like I've not blogged in ages? Possibly because I'm writing live and direct on day of publishing. A luxury I have today because my smooth operator 'Brother From Another Mother', Guest Blogger, William Ifeanyi Moore will be climbing the Soap Box for a 2nd time. See his previous guest blog here.  

There he is at top of post, first time I saw this pic I yapped him as I thought he was sipping  tea from a teacup at one of those fake joints in Lagos. He was however so quick to smugly point out to me that he was actually drinking palm wine from a calabash! I say 'Sorry, Mr 'Alan Poser' don't vex o, forgive my assumption! (Palm wine is an alcoholic beverage created from the sap of various species of palm trees this drink is common in various parts of Asia and Africa, including Nigeria)

He then went further to educate me that he had been at Terra Kulture at the time, a leading art, culture, lifestyle and educational centre located in Ikoyi, Lagos.The centre has a theatre. 

As all that theatre stuff is too deep for me I changed topic and start to have dig at the guy sitting behind him with the embossed number 3 on the sleeve, those things drive me crazy. William was having none of it and says my comments are tantamount to bullying so I'm forced to move on and not share my view on those polo jersey's <insert straight faced emoticon>

WHAT'S UP DOC?

                      

I really don't mean to put you off your breakfast or early morning tea but the other day I was jisting with my brother about an uncle of ours who was unwell. The strange thing though was the way he went about describing his symptoms to me. He said his tummy was "funny" this I took to mean that he had a running stomach. I was about to give him my spill about eating dry foods and no more fruit blah di blah however upon further questioning it transpired that he was actually feeling constipated. I became so cross.

As I told my brother, he laughed and asked why was I so wound up over such a small thing and he asked was I not aware that 'our people' were always like that when it came to describing ailments and he went on to remind me of the other phrase used to describe the feeling of dizziness i.e. "My eyes are turning me", he asked me where did I want him to start? Was it our love for self medication, self-diagnosis, mis-diagnosis, old wives tales, home remedies or what? 

LETTER TO UNCLE: YISA SULEIMAN-OBA 1950 - 2014

      

                                                                 Yisa  Suleiman-Oba (YSO)

Most people who know me would have heard about one 'Aunty Eni'. She's a dear friend of mine and sadly a year to date herself and children went through a very traumatic experience, they lost a much loved Father, Grandfather; her husband Yisa Suleiman-Oba (Y.S.O.) after a battle with Prostrate Cancer. 

Words cannot possibly describe what she and the family would have gone through. 

They however will be eternally grateful to a number of organisations that provided support to Aunty Eni in caring for uncle such as the NHS, including the out-of-hours service, the District nurses, Macmillian Nurses and The Peace Hospice in Watford. They also thank friends and family members that selflessly supported them.

Aunty Eni and family are currently in Nigeria to mark the 1st year remembrance. 

Last year for the 40th day Fidau Prayer, a few of us wrote tributes that were published in memory of Uncle. This was my first time ever of writing for 'the public'. Having spoken with Aunty Eni I have her go ahead to share mine with you on the anniversary. 

Uncle, Rest in perfect peace.

SAVE THIS DATE: SATURDAY 29TH AUGUST 2015

             

                 NSSFF Sports Day 2013

At times one has to do the least flattering things to catch you guys attention!

And this is how this one goes down: here I am inviting you to The 4th Nigerian School Sports & Family Fun Day (NSSFF) taking place on Saturday 29th August 2015 (Bank Holiday weekend) at Norman Athletics Track, Norman Park, Hayes Lane, Bromley, Kent, BR2 9EJ between 11:00 -19:00.  

It was a bit of a kerfuffle deciding what image to use at top of this post, I could have used the official poster for the event but thought this pic of me and some of 'the girls' at this same event back in 2013 might just be what it takes to grab your attention, unwedge you from your seats and get you to the venue!

WHAT'S AGE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

                                       

                        

It's so hot.

Hottest day of the year so far they say. I've seen people all shapes and sizes! What's it with 'these people' here and the sun? Any excuse to strip off and expose their bodies. My eyes have seen today eh! Who am I to talk though, thinking about my outfit I wore to work, a bit on the short side and sleeveless. With a bit more flesh on display than is my usual taste, but with this heat today it became a matter of comfort over modesty!

'Anyways' sorry to digress so as I sit here fanning myself and taking stock, tomorrow marks the start of the 2nd half of the year I'm trawling through comments on some of my older posts. I'm my 7th month 'in' with this blogging thingy majiggy. My word, you lot are such a 'bunch'. Even William 'our' guest blogger last week found you guys ever so funny. Which brings it all home to me that it is all about you guys.

GUEST BLOG BY WILLIAM IFEANYI MOORE: ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER: A 21ST CENTURY KILLER.

                                   

Hi guys, let me introduce you to my 'Brother From Another Mother', William Ifeanyi Moore. That's him in the pic above with me besides him!

Hmmm now where do I start? Well one day I stumbled across an interesting article written by him in Bella Naija, see here.

And the rest is history, blah di blah!

So now you lucky guys are stuck with a short, sharp Guest Blog by William, here today!

In the pic above I think he's at a museum or somewhere. He has very quirky pastimes that do not particularly interest me, he's also rather deep and philosophical and most times I do not really understand half of what he talks about! One thing I can say about him though 'HE WRITES'.

And on that note guys I hand the baton to William (Cubixthoughts):

ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME.....

         

Fear not, I've not lost the plot I'm not about to start 'cussing' you guys out!! I appreciate your custom. Don't you just love it though? We've seen it too often many times, blog author gets carried away and feels they are in their comfort zone so they start to cuss out their readers!'

There's a particular Naija blogger, one Aunty based in Germany, she has this habit of getting rather 'verbal' with her readers, there is nothing she will not say when her readers 'express their opinion' she's not happy with, she literally goes for the jugular! When she's yapping them she says she's 'having a rant', but still has quite a few readers. In fact when she's finished yapping her blog visitors they will even usually start pledging their allegiance to her and assuring her, that they are all 'forever loyal to her government!! 

On a slow news day she'll post a random question and ask her readers to have a rant about any topic they choose!! Mind blowing isn't it? Then all of them will start; the aggrieved wife, angry side chic, the oppressed daughter-in-law, the cuckolded 'horzband'. Imagine 30 comments from 30 angry people!!

WHEN RISI MET MUBARAK!

                                     

Ever tried taking a selfie with a horse? Well I've been there, done that and worn the T-shirt, not an easy task I tell you!

Now this was not how it was planned, honestly!

I had always thought the first time I make an appearance on a post, I'd be looking 'the part' my slimmest ever, skin blemish-free, make-up on point, eyebrow game forever strong, best side on display, standing against the back drop of one of the most envious place ever. Alas, this was not meant to be, Man proposes......blah di blah. 

So what I'm treating you guys to instead is a blurry pic of me with my mate Annie and her horse, Mubarak aka MuMu, on a windy rainy summer evening at the stable yard. 

LEVELS DON CHANGE! (PART 2)

           

  

Earlier this week I was doing what I do best (No, not stalking your 'fotos' on your respective social media profiles!!) reminiscing with my dad and brother. And out of the blues my dad asks 'Ola what happened to that former boss of yours....you know the one that you worked with at Anthony Village, I can't remember his name ..ermmm' before my dad could land I chipped in "Mr Ooh" dad says yes 'Mr Ooh that was the name'

Dad sighs and says "what a character!!" To myself I'm thinking referring to Mr Ooh as a character was letting him off lightly. I then have a light bulb moment and tell my dad and brother, that It would be a disservice not to dedicate a blog post to Mr Ooh. As my brother starts to laugh, Dad cautiously asks  'are you allowed to do that, Ola. You don't want to put yourself in trouble'. I explain that I would not be mentioning Mr Ooh's real name, anything derogatory or untrue so what harm could it possibly do, I'm simply gonna put it out there!

OYA GIFT, PUT OFF THE LIGHT O....

                           

I'm going to do things in reverse order this week and sort out housekeeping before the 'main d main' (main subject matter). A big thank you for all feedback, comments raised by my last post "More Than a Match....' 

Organ donation within the black community, what a discussion. Hopefully what Dela, Tayo and myself set out to achieve was accomplished. 

Now this may sound a bit like deja vu, but there I was the other day doing what I do best in my spare time, looking at my contacts display pictures, yes I know!! < Insert 'get a life' emoticon> and I spot a pic of a lady on a 'sister from another mother's' profile. Accompanied with the words "Ele toh badt, happy birthday to you"

MORE THAN A MATCH......

      

           

Some of my fondest memories are of my cousins in that image at the top of this post!

Let me introduce you to Big brother and Little sister, Tayo and Dela Idowu!

Tayo, I'd describe as my geeky nerdy 'aje butter' (you know the drift guys, for definition, phone a friend or ask audience!) big cousin. He's my fav cousin's, Dela's, big brother. So back in the day, he came as part of the package, you saw Dela, so you saw Tayo! He used to (and still does) fascinate me with his spoken English. To me he sounds 'well' posh, I love listening to his voice. 

A memory comes to mind of me spending a weekend with an aunt of ours who just had a baby, this little baby is now a proud mother of 2 children herself, How time flies! Tayo came to visit one evening and asked if I was hungry. He's about 10 years older than me, but back then 'cause I was young, the age gap between us seemed to be so much wider. He lowers his voice as he asks me, you know, like how those 'aje butter' people do when they talk to young children!?

NOTHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT......

                              

                          

Hello this is another first!

I actually have NOTHING to talk about this week. A few months back, after stressing myself out over one particular blog, my daughter, T-Money aka T-Dawg (she's now gonna pull the plug on this post!) made me promise that I would always keep it fun and that I'm never to blog just for the sake of it.

Each week after I publish a post on the Friday, panic sets in as I'm usually convinced that I'll have nothing to blog about for the following week! However I find by Sunday one seed or the other would have germinated within me, it starts to grow through out the week and the finished goods are what you guys see here on the Friday.

I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE....

A few weeks ago I attended a “Safe Guarding” course. I was glad to get away from my home town on an all expenses paid day trip to London (Yes, I’m so easily pleased!). But do you know the cost of a day Travel card from my Local Government area (insert-straight-face smiley) to London is £30? I was shell-shocked when I was told by the station assistant.

I ‘boarded’ (please why do we use such dated words??) the train and as to be expected during early “mor-mor” peak period it was jam packed, I ended up sandwiched between a fellow passenger’s smelly arm pit and another guy with a large stomach. All plans to chill out, read a book and/or listen to music on my phone on this train ride went out the window, it now became a matter of survival of the fittest to reach Train terminal King’s Cross. Everyone ‘facing front’ avoiding eye contact as is the norm here!

To cut a whole train journey short, I eventually arrive at venue, hang my jacket and move to the front of the room. Tea and coffee are on offer, but both of these are literally not my ‘cup of tea’ (why is there never Milo or Ovaltine?) so I just sip on my water bottle.

We are divided into groups of 6, at table where I sit I acknowledge one “aunty” from my homeland she’s seated besides me, I know this as I’ve spotted her indigenous name on her name badge!

I pop chewing gum into my mouth & prepare for a few boring hours, reminding myself not to get carried away, chew discreetly and to avoid popping & 'kpa'ing with my ‘mout’ as the day progresses.

BIG BROTHER'S WATCHING US!

                    

                  

                      

I went shopping the other day and as I was walking back to the car, I noticed the driver's side had been "keyed". 

For the sake of clarity "Car Keying" is the act of intentionally scraping the sharper point of an object, usually a key though, across the windshield or door of a car, leaving a large long scratch in the paint and a costly repair. Often performed in anger or spite it's a form of vandalism.  

So you can only imagine my annoyance as I throw the shopping to the ground, flour, eggs, oil everything 'come scatter-scatter!' I bend down to assess the damage on the body work (a bit like a Naija 'Panel beater') and started cussing, under my breath of course as on this side of the pond any 'drama' or public display of anger' is frown upon and would only be met with disdain by on-lookers. They would glance nervously at you then quickly look away to avoid any eye contact, then cross to the other side of the road to put as much distance between themselves and you, fearing for their safety and possibly worried for your well being. They just don't like to get involved!

If you make too much noise and they feel you are particularly disturbed, one concerned random person could possibly get on the phone to emergency services and before you can say "Jack Robinson" (Please somebody help me, who was this 'Jack' of a somebody??) police and some men in 'white coats' have carted you off for psychiatric evaluation (Sincere apologies to my brother 'Ak' on that one, due to nature of his work he does not take kindly to any trivialisation of Mental Health issues be they direct or veiled and this is not my intention!)

GUEST BLOG APPEARANCE BY IYA IBEJI

                                   

Hello everyone.... It really is my pleasure to be a guest writer on 'our' Risi By Name (RBN) Blog here today. As I bow and curtsey at the same time, I just feel like I've won the lottery ....without the money. Immediately RBN chose me, I took to the keyboard. Yep....Without a clue of what to write about. I was totally, totally clueless till suddenly I had a brainwave! Anyway, before I chatter on and on and on as I usually do, I thought I had better tell you a little about myself .... 

I'm Iya Ibeji (simply means I am the proud mother of a set of twin boys) whom I embarrass at every opportunity. The worst and best thing about me is that I have no sense of shame. Ask Ola! If anything goes wrong I just shake myself and go. Nothing is worth the stress. I can't be asked to think and re-think the situation. My lack of shame leads to my chosen topic for this blog.

BACK TO MY ROOTS!

                                  

If only I could be given a fifty pound note for each time I've been asked "Ola how come you're the only one among your siblings that does not have a Muslim name?"

Brace yourself guys, it's complicated!

As a child from that era, all emphasis on the phrase 'that era', before some of you start to bring out your abacus, cowrie shells or calculator to do the math and calculate my age, I assure you it was A.D though!

I was my parents first born child and they christened me with the beautiful Muslim name "Risikatu".

It was very common back then for Our Naija parents that came over here to engage the services of 'nannies' to help with child care to enable them focus on their studies.

These nannies were mainly British and the child care arrangements were live-in. So basically the way it worked was I went to live with this nanny (may her soul rest in peace) and her young daughter at her home in Kent. While my parents studied in London. I'm not really sure of the logistics as I was so young ( I was a cutie, short, round, rocking a mini Afro as my nanny could never manage my kinky hair!)

A PICTURE SPEAKS A THOUSAND WORDS......

                      

I woke up one day this week and after 'all protocols have been observed', I started one of my fav pastimes i.e. nosing through contacts on my Blackberry and Whatsapp contacts list!

Looking at my own profile and frowning at necklace I'd worn in my DP (display picture), it looked a bit crooked and I'm thinking to myself, I could have used a better pic (yes I know, vanity upon vanity, all is vanity!!)

I continue to scroll taking it all in, one pic of someone looking really 'fit' all that gym activity is paying off!, another and I'm thinking 'Haba, this girl don yellow finish, which cream she dey rub?' Next is the scene of a leafy destination birthday party everyone wearing fedora hats, pouting, with their tummy's pulled in and another of an old acquaintance that has lost a lot of weight, I look at the pic and wonder what diet is she on now? Cabbage soup, Atkins or the 5:2 fasting diet? We have a few happy couples looking into each others eyes dreamily, ever so obvious they are in love and then I scroll further down the list. I have a few mysterious contacts with no pics at all or if there is a pic it's just a random image like of a flower, dog or cat and I'm thinking, but why? What's the point in that? Give us a glimpse into your life now!!

(I now brace myself for the awkward moment when I wake tomorrow morn and notice I have no Blackberry or Whatsapp contacts, as you guys have either blocked or deleted me!!!)

Anyway, I continue to scroll through for something that catches my fancy, 'ah-ah what's this?' I sit up in my bed, adjust myself, squint at screen and zoom in, it's the image at the top of this post. I start to ponder.....

And what does Good Friday mean to you?

Successful writing is not made of what is in it, but what's left out of it ~ Mark Twain

AUTHORITY STEALING!!!

Short video clip of Fela Anikulapo-kuti

DOUBLE WAHALA FOR DEADI BODY, YEPA!

 

                     

All week I was unsure whether I really wanted to post in the run up to Nigeria's Presidential Election coming up this weekend. I really could not be asked, but then I thought to myself 'Don't be a kill-joy'

From the archives of Google I dug up a patriotic image of a "Keep Calm And Love Naija" meme, all dressed up in green, white and green. I then pasted it at the top of this post. It looked ever so cute! Yes, you've read me right, the word "Naija" and "Cute" used in the same paragraph!!!!

I then started to write about my take on this 'election matter on ground', I wrote a few lines, scratched my head, then deleted. Took a break, ate 2 chocolate digestive biscuits (yeah right, who eats only 2??), drank a bottle of malt, watched TV came back to the blog started again, this time wrote 2 paragraphs, I read over it sounded fake as they come, so I deleted that as well. This vicious cycle continued for a whole day. At this point in time it's official, this blogging thingy is not by fire by force!

LEVELS DON CHANGE!

I was chatting with one of my oldest friends 'Tee' the other day, (oldest in the sense that I've known her for a very long time rather than oldest in 'age' before she has my head!) We were doing what we do best 'reminiscing'.

We were talking about one of my mum's favourite sayings:

"Twenty children cannot play for twenty years" literally what she meant was if a group of 20 children started out as friends.....roll on 20 years, there would have been some fallouts, some would have moved away, family commitments blah di blah, hence the group would decrease in number.

Our mum often used this phrase when we were growing up to buttress her point anytime we were disappointed by a friend, to encourage us to be more independent and less reliant on others.

THE MICROWAVE!

       

I showed image at the top of this post to a little 4 year old I know and asked him what it was, he replied "it's a microwave". I told him it was actually a TV and went on to explain that back in the 'olden' days that's what they looked like.

The way things are going, very soon none of the youngsters will know what a TV is  because watching programmes on laptops, hand held devices and smart phones has become the norm.

In fact, here's a test case: Send a child on an errand '"Go and get 'Grandma' 'tablet' from her bedroom" (you know we tend to drop the letter 'S' from our words, neither do we use the word 'please'!) 30 minutes later this child would not have come back as they are under the bed looking for the non-existent, small touchscreen computer rather than Grandma's 'Panadol' right there on the bedside table under their nose.

MIND YOUR LANGUAGE!

Last week Friday after posting my latest blog, I was on the phone chatting with my friend 'Abeni', some of you may have read about her in a previous post of mine My People Don Reach Here! and picked up on her being somewhat uptight and highly strung! 

Anyway she had just read my post and was giving me some constructive feedback, one point led to another and "as per usual" before we knew it we had gone off on a tangent, both of us in hysterics as she jisted me about an incidence that happened some years ago involving her daughter who had been about 5 years old at the time. 

And this is how this true life story unfolds,

YESTERDAY YOU SAID TOMORROW!

                          

The random 'Selfie' at the top of post is my attempt at keeping fit this 2015 by walking to work every morning rather than taking the car (Yes, I am aware that my mates run marathons!)

The colour of my trainers is obviously co-ordinated with my lipstick.

Kindly excuse fashion faux pas of combining trainers with tights as this matter has been resolved with an extra pair of office shoes in handbag. You may thank me for this useful piece of information at a later date!

We're into the 9th week of the year, things may have started to slide.

All those new year resolutions;

SPECIAL POST FOR OME @ 18

Ome Kokoricha (with the lovely smile and blue dress) turned 18 on 13th February. Mum (aka MOE, Minister Of Enjoyment ) and dad celebrated with a thanksgiving this Sunday. 

Ome baby thanks we had so much fun, your Britney Spears & Beyoncé Tribute were really 'Turn Up'.

The Girls say 'have an A-Troupe birthday' & also send the coded words 'Eldon & Chris' to you. They say you'll understand (you kids and all your slangs!)

I hope we 'random' aunties and uncles were not too embarrassing!

Love you loads Xxxx

Akpevwe, why are you stealing the limelight and 'hugging' your sister's cake?

MOE, your banga soup plus 'swallow' na die!!!

MID-WEEK RANDOM POST!

  

Hi folk, this is a first. 

I had not planned to post this week, I was going to take the easy option with my excuse being that it's half term. Pathetic excuse though, as it's not as if my 17 and 15 year old are babies, they very much do their own thing. I just stay at home out of habit with them, while they ignore me and wonder 'why is this woman at home, hugging the remote control?' 

Sorry to digress but while on the subject of 'hugging' why do our people love the rude phrase 'go and hug a transformer' when 'cussing' people out?

Anyway as I try to hold on to the last of my youth by engaging in up-to-date-hippy banter with my girls,

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT!

                                    

Oh dear, it's that time of the year again, love is in the air, St.Valentine lands at the stroke of midnight. The kata-kata this guy will cause na wa!!! 

There will be proposals of marriage, love will be re-ignited, the day will mark the start of many relationships and the end of a few, (research has it that February 15th is International Break-up day, as couples would have had the opportunity to re-evaluate their relationships on Valentine's day and summon up courage to call it quits the next day. So much for useful facts of the day!).

KEEPING UP WITH THE BALOGUNS!

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery ~ Charles Calab Colton

I came across a different spin on this famous quote the other day that made me smile and gave me a 'light bulb' moment, it read something like this:

"Though imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery it often means that you lack personality, talent and creativity so kindly stop before you hurt yourself!"

'Follow-Follow' mentality is widespread amongst our people. It is the comparison to one's neighbour as a benchmark for social class or the accumulation of material goods. Failing to 'Keep up with the Baloguns' occurs when we are more concerned about our standard of living in relation to our peers or neighbours.