THE NEW NORMAL....

Family Quiz Zoom 

Hi guys it has been quite a while, I’ve been taking a break and had no plans to blog for a while until a friend asked why had I gone quiet. I think I now know how Fela felt when he said he no longer had anything to sing about as he had virtually covered every social injustice in his music. Arm robbery, leg robbery, head robbery, police brutality, nepotism, tribalism, “entanglement”😜 etc. 

So this is my own version of  ‘Ola wetin you go sing about o, dem go worry mi’ 🎤 🎶 📢 

What could I possibly talk about? I have been on the ‘mask wearing’  bandwagon from the moment I landed back in England in April after a 6 week lockdown in Lagos. So when I keep hearing the whole ‘should we or shouldn’t we’ debate about face masks, I just want to roll my eyes🙄. I mean what magic is happening that we have a designated official start date of 24th July to wear masks? I would have thought if it had been found that wearing them reduces the risk of spreading, then why the delay? Why not implement with immediate effect ‘and automatic alacrity’? Does that mean and we can cough, spit and splutter at people🤢🤮😷right up to midnight on the 23rd July or is the COVID-19 less potent before this date⁉️#anothereyeroll🙄 accompanied with a drum roll. 

Likewise for more than 10 weeks now I have returned to a plantation that has been adhering strictly to the social distancing rules, we are still keeping the 2 metre distance, maintaining a one-way foot traffic system and and only 1 colleague in the loo at a time, best part about this is I now get to wee in peace😏 We’re also still washing our hands and using our sanitizers 🙄

You can see the mood I’m in, could it possibly be my failed attempt to lose weight irking me? At the onset of Lockdown I was convinced that I would emerge from the flames Post Lockdown like the Phoenix, half my size and looking very hot  BUT.THIS.WAS.NOT.THE.CASE🥺😩

Need I mention ‘ZZZZZZZZoom’ kindly gather here for a selfie if you know what I mean. 

I had never used the video conference platform prior to lockdown, Sis-in-law prepped me for my first Zoom meeting by setting up a meeting with her account and giving me a quick virtual tutorial. I felt slightly apprehensive, she assured me it was no biggie, but advised me that I preview how I look before entering any video conference to avoid embarrassment. Alternatively she explained it’s not even compulsory that I reveal myself as I could simply switch my camera off. So that’s how I descended into the World of Zoom 😱😳👀

And oh my days what an experience it has been, I do not even know where to start. I have escaped official zoom meetings as I’ve been live at the plantation, so all the ones I attend are generally social.

First and foremost I want to get on my ‘kneels’ and thank all of you guys that keep the Zoom camera open thereby keeping us entertained, I do have one gripe though, the irony that there is no ‘zoom-in’ feature on Zoom😩 to enable me see more clearly into your museums ‘parlours’👀.  I would be a very rich woman if I had a Naira for all the home decor I have seen, my people I use Beyoncé’s hand to greet you👊🏾

You all ‘too like’ books/bookshelves 📚, wall art, ‘flower’💐🌷🌹in those pretty vases, candles, statues aka ‘ere’ in Yoruba kilode⁉️. Everything strategically placed within the camera’s lens range for ‘effizy’ Enough interior decor ideas to put Pinterest to shame😐. 

Guilty as charged though, I have evolved from that innocent camera shy girl to an attention seeking Zoomite. Every week I up my game, the Zoom app has my sassy Risi By Name signature red 👠avatar on display. I invested in mobile/tablet holder to ensure that unflattering double chin is not on display when ‘zooming’. Some folk may not realise when they leave their camera on their laps we get to see more than intended eg, ladies, an underside view of boob to the extent we can gauge your cup size🙈 also some unku’s we are counting the hairs in your flared nostrils and gushing at your hidden 6-pack as you position camera awkwardly. Public Service Announcement: If you can’t get with the programme can you please ‘off’ the video.  

And don’t we all just love the ‘chat‘ feature in Zoom particularly the ‘private message’ option. One day after a zoom meeting where I engaged in lots of private chats and inappropriate banter with people I know, I had a melt down at the thought of ‘what if’ the owner of the Zoom meeting has access to read all the private chats 😩😳🙈. 

Some Zoomer’s are clever and disable private chat feature when setting up Zoom meetings to avoid such distractions for attendees (are we complaining?)😢    

We attend this Virtual Zoom-hangout every Friday night arranged by a popular DJ, just imagine 200+ participants online listening to back to back classic throwback tunes with interludes of banter. A good way to de-stress and do TGIF BUT there will always be the problematic few that miss the point 🙄

So there I am last Friday all zoomed up at this DJ’s hangout minding my own, I’m fashionably keeping my camera turned off until things ‘turn up’ a bit more. So it’s only the Risi By Name ‘foto’ of my red shoes on display and then a private chat ‘Hi Risi’ pops up on my screen from a random person unknown to me. I quickly weigh the odds whether I should greet person back or not?🤔 I decide not to be rude but to proceed with caution I reply with a safe ‘waving hand’ emoji 🙋🏾‍♀️  and thought nothing of it till later in the evening when I have kicked off my shoes and opened my camera, same person pops up again as private message ‘ Hi Risi, you are really looking pretty’🙆🏾‍♀️😱 

Obviously this time around I totally ignore the ‘random unku’ though I was torn between publicly shaming him by replying on public chat “Bruv you’re barking up the wrong tree, firstly I’m spoken for and 2ndly you’re on the wrong forum I think it’s Tinder you are ‘finding’. Kindly respect yourself”🙄

Anyway guys what’s your experience of ‘The New Normal’? 

On that note it’s a wrap, TGIF have a good weekend🤸🏽‍♀️🤸🏽‍♀️🤸🏽‍♀️

Ps. Happy birthday to my darling nephew, Koye, see you later 😘💕💕

Mummy Koye, I’ve been having sleepless nights over this one; is Koye going to wear a mask as he blows out the candles on his cake? 😐🙈🎂

In order to be irreplaceable; one must always be different ~ Coco Chanel

💋